May 07, 2014

Would I? Could I?

I just read this post, which poses the question "if you could go back and tell your pregnant self about the loss you sustained, would you?" This was going to be a comment on it, but I felt it was long enough to warrant a blog post of my own.

I was going to say yes, so I could save him. But thinking again, no. Not in that instance. It's awful when put so baldly, but saving Ianto means losing my girls. If he'd lived, I wouldn't have been pregnant again four months later. I wouldn't have gone on to conceive Elisabeth either, because we'd have tried for another baby a year or so earlier. If I could magically insert him into the life we have now, I would, but I don't think I would go back and save him then. I know how to live without him now.

However. If telling past-me wouldn't change anything, or would save him only for a matter of a day, an hour, a minute... I would drive her to the hospital myself. I would hold her hand and tell her that it will get easier. That the next week will be one of the darkest of her life, but colour rushes back in. That she shouldn't be scared of what's to come. That she's about to meet one of the great loves of her life even though he'll never look into her eyes and say he loves her. I would be the one to cradle him when he is first born, and I would hold him at all the points past-me and past-scott put him down. I would smell that sweet scent again. I'd clean his hands and feet thoroughly so there was no ink on them in his photos, I would make sure the doctor got his name right on the discharge papers. I would... I would do so many things.

But I can't. I won't. It will always be the way it was, and I will live with that. Because that's something I CAN do.

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