May 25, 2012

That Photo

On my computer, there's a photo of Scott and I bathing Ianto. I haven't shared it online, because it's not the kind of photo I would want the world to see. I'm haggard and obviously still in shock from grief and labour, and Ianto is flopped between my arm and the side of the bath like a ragdoll. Neither of us were supporting his head, so a gloved hand is propping it up. He has my blood on his face, I have some meconium staining my shirt, there's blood on the bed behind us. It's incredibly upsetting and undignified for us. It's equally my most hated and most treasured photo of him.

It's the only one you can see his arms, legs, and body uncovered in. All of the other photos, there's clothes or sheets covering him. I stare at those long, horribly skinny limbs and think how they should be fat and chubby, around my neck or draped on my stomach as I cuddle him to sleep. I look at his knees and elbows, hardly even visible, and think he should be throwing tantrums in supermarkets. His stomach, his chest... The blood had already begun to pool in his little body. They were starting to turn dark when this photo was taken. His chest was so flat, it's like the lack of a heartbeat deflated him.

I wish I'd taken more photos of his little body before we wrapped him up. Before we said goodbye to it forever.

1 comment:

  1. Teni - I'd like to see Ianto's bath photo, when you're ready. It's part of your journey with him and part of his story. I can understand why it upsets you to see it now. I have photos of my Amelia that I look at now, with the benefit of hindsight and wonder why I didn't notice the blood and bruising on her face, why I didn't clean it up, why I wasn't supporting her head more. But at the time I didn't and it took me a while to feel proud of those photos. But I am now, even though they show things I'd rather not remember. A friend of mine recently showed me a photo of her holding her still born child, and the utter heartbreak is so palpable. I actually cherish that photo, as it really shows just how hard it is to have your baby die. So when you're ready I'd love to share a bit more of Ianto's journey with you.

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