May 25, 2012

That Photo

On my computer, there's a photo of Scott and I bathing Ianto. I haven't shared it online, because it's not the kind of photo I would want the world to see. I'm haggard and obviously still in shock from grief and labour, and Ianto is flopped between my arm and the side of the bath like a ragdoll. Neither of us were supporting his head, so a gloved hand is propping it up. He has my blood on his face, I have some meconium staining my shirt, there's blood on the bed behind us. It's incredibly upsetting and undignified for us. It's equally my most hated and most treasured photo of him.

It's the only one you can see his arms, legs, and body uncovered in. All of the other photos, there's clothes or sheets covering him. I stare at those long, horribly skinny limbs and think how they should be fat and chubby, around my neck or draped on my stomach as I cuddle him to sleep. I look at his knees and elbows, hardly even visible, and think he should be throwing tantrums in supermarkets. His stomach, his chest... The blood had already begun to pool in his little body. They were starting to turn dark when this photo was taken. His chest was so flat, it's like the lack of a heartbeat deflated him.

I wish I'd taken more photos of his little body before we wrapped him up. Before we said goodbye to it forever.

May 22, 2012

Photoshoot for the Australian Breastfeeding Association

I'd have loved to have someone who thinks breastfeeding at any stage is "only for the mother's pleasure" at my photoshoot today.

There is NO forcing a child to breastfeed. I tried every trick in my book to get Amelia to feed on camera, but she wouldn't have a bar of me and kept jumping off my lap! I made it for a time she's normally very interested in "booby" but nope, she didn't want anything until we had left and were back in the car.

So you're probably wondering why I was trying to breastfeed on camera today. I saw a call out last week for "models" to be considered for the Australian Breastfeeding Association's 2013 calendar and jumped at the chance! I meant to send a photo in last year, but never got around to it, so when I heard there would be an actual photographer I got all excited and had to say yes.

Even if the photos aren't used in the calendar, they've been released to the ABA for whatever use they want, so they might show up online or in their magazine. I hope they get used somewhere, Amelia was extra-cute today.

On another bit of news now - we've moved house! We're on the other side of the same suburb, but in a slightly bigger house with a maaaassiiiiive kitchen! I love my new kitchen so much, I may have to divorce Scott and marry it.

I've also got a new website for my doula business - - and I'm now about halfway through my course. I've taken to doing quizzes/exams at 3am, and getting fairly good scores, so I know I can take the physical exhaustion part of it.Right, that's all from me right now. Hope to have some more news for you soon!