July 12, 2011

Daydreams

I often play out little scenes in my head - how things were, how I hope they will be, how I wish they had been...

I long for the day there are no "we can't find a cause" stillbirths. There will always be stillbirth, I know that, because there will always be accidents or illnesses that cause it. But I dream of the day where there's no-one being told their baby died when they were expecting a normal result.

I hope one day I see Ianto again. I've said it many times, that I don't hold belief in any religion, but I hold out hope there's something afterwards so I can see my beautiful boy again. Hug him, tell him I love him.

I look forward to Amelia talking with pride about her brother who she will never meet but she will always know. I look forward to her getting up to speak in the church on Red Nose Day and blowing everyone away with how articulate she is (a mother can dream!), how unafraid to speak of such things.

I dream of Amelia as an adult, holding her firstborn and crying as she asks how I got through the death of her brother. I will tell her she was my saviour. I had four months without either child, and they were the toughest four months of my life. But on July 12th, 2010, two little lines appeared... And I started to hope again.

1 comment:

  1. Hi there, I found your blog on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope website. Your little guy is so beautiful. I love his pictures. I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter was stillborn as well on March 16, 2010, so not long after your loss. There were no explanations for her dying either. I'd like to think her future siblings will love her and know her through me. I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well; www.roseandherlily.blogspot.com

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