July 16, 2011

Meet Smidge

Meet Smidge. He's a bit sideways at the moment, but that's Blogger's fault, not mine ;)

He's looking forward to meeting some new friends. I'm planning to send him to a family somewhere in Australia, where he's going to spend a week with them before being sent on to another family, and so on and so forth.

What I want these families to do is, at the end of their week with Smidge, send me an email with some photos of him having fun along with a letter about his travels to put on the blog.

If you want to be one of the families Smidge visits, send me an email with your address at rainbowfundraiser@gmail.com - it can be a PO Box if you like, and only I and the family who will be sending Smidge to you will have it.

July 12, 2011


I often play out little scenes in my head - how things were, how I hope they will be, how I wish they had been...

I long for the day there are no "we can't find a cause" stillbirths. There will always be stillbirth, I know that, because there will always be accidents or illnesses that cause it. But I dream of the day where there's no-one being told their baby died when they were expecting a normal result.

I hope one day I see Ianto again. I've said it many times, that I don't hold belief in any religion, but I hold out hope there's something afterwards so I can see my beautiful boy again. Hug him, tell him I love him.

I look forward to Amelia talking with pride about her brother who she will never meet but she will always know. I look forward to her getting up to speak in the church on Red Nose Day and blowing everyone away with how articulate she is (a mother can dream!), how unafraid to speak of such things.

I dream of Amelia as an adult, holding her firstborn and crying as she asks how I got through the death of her brother. I will tell her she was my saviour. I had four months without either child, and they were the toughest four months of my life. But on July 12th, 2010, two little lines appeared... And I started to hope again.

July 11, 2011

Getting Cookie out of the oven - Amelia's Birth Story

BIG WARNING: This is long. Seriously long. Remember how long Ianto's story was? This is longer. It also has the same level of detail.

Let’s go right back to before any of this began. A year and twelve days in fact. The day her brother died while inside me. The moment we found out, I had what I now know to be an uncommon reaction – “let’s try again straight away.”

So we did. For three and a half months, we tried. It doesn’t sound like long, and I’m so grateful it wasn’t, but it felt like forever. I was just so impatient! (That continued throughout, as you’ll see…) While it felt like we were speeding away from Ianto having died and been born, it felt like forever in terms of trying to conceive a sibling for him!