It's odd. I measured Amelia's head circumference the other day, and it's only 1.5cm shorter than Ianto's whole body was. I just find that so weird, that her HEAD is just a touch smaller than her brother.
It's sad. Amelia was only six days old when we took her on her first real outing - to go look at photos of her dead brother. It felt a bit wrong having her there, like it was supposed to be his night and she was invading his space.
Taking her to the cemetery is awful, too. It's a nice feeling, being with both my babies, but taking a baby to a cemetery? It's just not right, especially given we're visiting another baby. I've gotten into the habit of buying him flowers from her, letting her "decide" which ones to buy.
It's scary. I wasn't that scared, being pregnant with Amelia, that I would lose her. Part of that was confidence it wouldn't happen to me again; part of it was knowing that if I did lose another baby, I knew the process and could deal with it. But it's so different now she's born. Now I know her properly like I never knew Ianto. I'm always wanting to check on her when she sleeps, making sure she's still breathing. I know it's normal to do that, but is it normal to break down crying in the car because I can't hear her breathing and can't pull over to check on her? I don't think so.
It's a relief. I can make babies that live. I can watch my kids grow up, play and smile. Not all of them, obviously, but I can look at Amelia and know I'm not a failure.
It's maddening. I've had far too many people act as though now Amelia is here, I should forget about Ianto. From a tactless family member ("oh sweetheart, you shouldn't have those photos up any more, you have a real baby now") to a woman at Spotlight who didn't like my answer when she asked how many kids I have ("so just the one then?"), it hurts. My son matters. He was as real as his sister is. She will always know about her big brother, how he watches over her everyday.
It's a lot to deal with.