June 20, 2011

Do I miss him?

It's hard to miss someone you never knew. I never really connected with Ianto while I was pregnant with him, so it's like I've only ever known him as dead. I wish he was still around, living beside his sister and growing up, but I don't think what I'm feeling can accurately be called "missing" him.

Sometimes I make deals with the Universe that I know wont happen - "please make him come back into my arms, even if he's still dead I just want his body here" or "one day, just give me one day with him alive". I want him here, dammit! I wish sometimes that I'd run away with him, not let them bury my baby boy. If he was going to waste away and become nothing, I wish it could have been in his mummy's arms. Morbid, sickening, disgusting - yes. But my mind throws these thoughts at me and I do all I can to contain them.

I miss the concept of him. I miss how soft his skin was when I held his little body in my arms and kissed his cheeks. I miss his smell, that beautiful sweet smell that inspired the name of this blog.

Red Nose Day is next week. I haven't raised even five cents, online or otherwise. I feel guilty that I haven't done more about it. I think I might give all my profits from selling those wraps to SIDS & Kids. So far I've sold one (and I'm yet to make it), but I'm hopeful.


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