June 30, 2011

Sweet Dreams

I've dreamt a few times about Ianto lately. In them, we're doing things that we would do if he was alive, but he's still not. I don't dream about him often, I never have, so it's been nice "seeing" him again.

The first, we were at the hospital where he was born. And his eyes were open. Simple as that. His eyes were open and looking at his mummy, but he was still dead. In the dream it was like it was the best thing in the world, that he'd opened his eyes. Amelia's eyes. My eyes. The whole dream was just that, him looking at me and actually seeing me. If only...

In the most recent one it was like he'd been in storage or something. Again, he was still dead, but we were able to carry him around - just not too much. He was still very fragile, and I got the feeling in the dream that we didn't do it often. I laid him in his pram (the one we now use for Amelia) and pushed him around before picking him up and giving him a cuddle. His skin was warm - not the same as Amelia's living warmth, but the warmth he had when he was just born. I tried to keep him that temperature but failed. Dream-me finished cuddling him, and started heading back to... Wherever it was we kept him. Then I woke up.

I'm sad to say that's the happiest I've woken up from a dream in a while. I got to cuddle him again, Amelia got to meet him, he wasn't stuck in the cold ground. I could smell his skin again - I'd almost forgotten his scent.

June 29, 2011

One on one time with my babies

This originally started as a Facebook status, but got far too long.

I was just thinking about how this is probably the longest I've ever been completely alone with Amelia since she was born. Scott's been at work all day, and for once I haven't gone out anywhere, just stayed home. I even managed to do a little housework - a major task for me! I've even cooked dinner for just me. Yes, shocking, I know.

Ahem. Back to my point...

Then I started thinking about Ianto and realized Scott probably had more one-on-one time with him than I did. Aside from when he was alive inside me, I mean. And time spent at the cemetery. I find that odd. Not upsetting, just... Odd. Scott went home when Ianto was a few hours old, but came back fairly quickly. But in that time I had midwives and counselors come in to talk to me, and the food lady give me some more disgusting food. But when I left them for a little while when my brothers came to visit (they couldn't bring themselves to come into the room, so I went with them to the kiosk for lunch), they were alone. Every other moment was spent with just all three of us, and whoever else was there.

Us against the world, baby

June 27, 2011


Remember at the end of last year/start of this one, I was trying to win an iPad? All year I've been trying to win one, or convince Scott to get me one. Well...

I'm typing this in the backseat of my car, on my brand new iPad 2! Woohoo! I ordered it the day after my birthday (after finally resigning myself to the fact I wasn't going to be getting one for said birthday) and it just arrived today. I'm quite chuffed, to say the least. I never used to be an Apple geek, but somewhere along the line I was corrupted and I love 'em. Now I have three iPods, and iPhone, and the iPad. I need a name for her... Help me out?

I'm off to do some more iPadding ;)

Xox Tenielle

June 25, 2011

Red Nose Day 2011

Yesterday was Red Nose Day. Just like last year, I went along to the Remembrance service - this time with Scott and Amelia in tow. Milly and I rocked our noses (for about ten seconds until hers fell off).

Again, I got up to speak. I had no idea what to say, so I read out the poem I read at Ianto's funeral. I started tearing up as I read it, which made me stuff up some of the words. I also messed up while telling everyone about him (this is why I need to go off a script, people!) and I think I overstated his age. Oops.

Amelia was mostly quiet and content throughout, though she did have her moments. She startled awake when people clapped after songs/speeches, and cried a little when she got hungry. Apparently she was laughing at the woman who spoke before me. This kid has no sense of what's appropriate, tsk tsk... She ended up drifting back to sleep near the end.

The balloon release was fantastic, again. This time we had three - one from each of us.

I tied the three together so they would stay near each other, and watched them drift off.

So beautiful.

YouTube Video


June 20, 2011

Do I miss him?

It's hard to miss someone you never knew. I never really connected with Ianto while I was pregnant with him, so it's like I've only ever known him as dead. I wish he was still around, living beside his sister and growing up, but I don't think what I'm feeling can accurately be called "missing" him.

Sometimes I make deals with the Universe that I know wont happen - "please make him come back into my arms, even if he's still dead I just want his body here" or "one day, just give me one day with him alive". I want him here, dammit! I wish sometimes that I'd run away with him, not let them bury my baby boy. If he was going to waste away and become nothing, I wish it could have been in his mummy's arms. Morbid, sickening, disgusting - yes. But my mind throws these thoughts at me and I do all I can to contain them.

I miss the concept of him. I miss how soft his skin was when I held his little body in my arms and kissed his cheeks. I miss his smell, that beautiful sweet smell that inspired the name of this blog.

Red Nose Day is next week. I haven't raised even five cents, online or otherwise. I feel guilty that I haven't done more about it. I think I might give all my profits from selling those wraps to SIDS & Kids. So far I've sold one (and I'm yet to make it), but I'm hopeful.


June 09, 2011

The post you all knew was coming

I just went through the posts since Amelia's birth, and I've realised that I haven't really written about what it's like to be parenting after stillbirth. The experience so far is varied...

It's odd. I measured Amelia's head circumference the other day, and it's only 1.5cm shorter than Ianto's whole body was. I just find that so weird, that her HEAD is just a touch smaller than her brother.

It's sad. Amelia was only six days old when we took her on her first real outing - to go look at photos of her dead brother. It felt a bit wrong having her there, like it was supposed to be his night and she was invading his space.

Taking her to the cemetery is awful, too. It's a nice feeling, being with both my babies, but taking a baby to a cemetery? It's just not right, especially given we're visiting another baby. I've gotten into the habit of buying him flowers from her, letting her "decide" which ones to buy.

It's scary. I wasn't that scared, being pregnant with Amelia, that I would lose her. Part of that was confidence it wouldn't happen to me again; part of it was knowing that if I did lose another baby, I knew the process and could deal with it. But it's so different now she's born. Now I know her properly like I never knew Ianto. I'm always wanting to check on her when she sleeps, making sure she's still breathing. I know it's normal to do that, but is it normal to break down crying in the car because I can't hear her breathing and can't pull over to check on her? I don't think so.

It's a relief. I can make babies that live. I can watch my kids grow up, play and smile. Not all of them, obviously, but I can look at Amelia and know I'm not a failure.

It's maddening. I've had far too many people act as though now Amelia is here, I should forget about Ianto. From a tactless family member ("oh sweetheart, you shouldn't have those photos up any more, you have a real baby now") to a woman at Spotlight who didn't like my answer when she asked how many kids I have ("so just the one then?"), it hurts. My son matters. He was as real as his sister is. She will always know about her big brother, how he watches over her everyday.

It's a lot to deal with.


June 04, 2011

Step 1: Vomit. Step 2: ? Step 3: Profit!

Amelia threw up on her Hug A Bub last night, and I realised this morning just how lost I was without it while it was being washed. So I thought I'd have a crack at making my own as a back-up... Then thought "I've bought too much material, what will I do?"... Then thought "I'll sell a couple on eBay!"... So I'm doing that. Follow the link ;)


EDIT: I just popped the same listing on Etsy - Check it out here. If you want to buy from here, I'll give you a 10% discount. Just enter the code SwSoSmReaderJune and you'll be all set!

Milly "enjoying" her new carrier. Ignore the dirty mirror, please :)


June 03, 2011

You didn't think I'd do it?

A few minutes ago, I sent this tweet:

And got this reply:

You didn't think I'd actually do it, did you Emily? Well, this is me proving you wrong. Kinda. I'm not really going to talk much about you, just how we met...

Em and I "met" on a lovely chat site called UKChat. I'd been sent there one night from another chatroom, and boy am I glad I was. Everyone knows how rare it is to find normal people in an Internet chatroom - it seemed they'd all flocked to this site! It was a UK chat site (duh) but I felt right at home as an Aussie. My regular name was AussieActress[whatever age I was] but occasionally to trip up newcomers I'd go by AntipodeanThesbian.

Eventually I became a moderator, or Host, and the fun really began. My Host name was UKCAmbrosia - unbeknownst to me, Ambrosia is a brand of rice pudding over there, so some people called me UKCPudding - and I loved it. I loved sitting up at all hours interacting with so many people, even though they were on the other side of the world. If it weren't for UKC, I doubt I would have gone on to join the few forums I've been on to talk about my life. My wedding wouldn't have been so good (thanks, bridesdiary!) and I wouldn't have known anything about birth, breastfeeding, how to cope with stillbirth (thanks Bellybelly!)...

So thanks a bunch, UKChat, I owe you a lot.


(Em's my birthday buddy because we share a birthday. Kinda. We were both born June 10, but with the time difference there's only a little window where we're celebrating together...)