May 24, 2011

I'm not crazy!

I had an appointment with the psychiatrist yesterday - my first since Amelia was born, and someone I'd never seen before. And I'm okay. No signs of postnatal depression, no signs I'll have a brain snap and believe she's Ianto (or a replacement for him)... I'm all okay.

I think what helped was that the doctor didn't ask so much about Ianto, while the one I saw during my pregnancy did. I understand the reasoning behind it, but being told I needed to "take time that is used just thinking about this baby and not the one you lost" wasn't really helpful. I never saw Amelia as a replacement for Ianto (except for the initial decision to conceive her, a few minutes after we found out he was dead) so I didn't NEED to take special time out. I thought of her as her own person, who just happened to be the younger sibling of my first, deceased, son.

Being able to talk about things I've been ashamed to admit to myself helped as well. Like that sometimes I feel like I can't cope with being a mum. That sometimes I'll have tiny flashes of thoughts to hurt her or myself. I never, EVER, would or could. But the feelings do rush through my mind, to be quickly quashed.

I feel like having Ianto die, having that pain in the back of my mind 24/7, helps me when I feel like I can't look after Amelia. If I'm feeling like I can't cope breastfeeding her all the time, I'll remember: My body wasn't able to keep him alive, but it sure as hell keeps her alive. If I get one of the aforementioned "flashes" I'll remind myself how wanted she was, how painful it was to lose him. I love both of them too much to do such a disservice to them.

I'm healing. I'll always be scarred with the memory of Ianto's death, but Amelia is helping me get through. Doesn't stop me being overprotective of her though.

Amelia and Ianto's Mummy

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