March 04, 2011

Thoughts from the father

I still haven't cried! Ever since those dreadful words came out of the radiologist's mouth "Sorry but there's no blood flow through the heart" - a full year and almost a week after that and I am still yet to have a proper cry!

I can't force it out! It doesn't want to take me by surprise! And it just wants to torment me by getting me thinking "I should read what Tenielle has blogged last", so I read it and just as I feel the water welling up in my eyes and I prepare myself for the breakdown that is inevitable, it goes away again! I know there's the macho male thing of men don't cry, or I have to be the strong one... Hey emotions, I've got a newsflash for ya: if your child dies... It's fine to break down, some would even go as little as to say it's natural!

It's a vicious cycle, I think of Ianto and I get the happy feeling "yeah, I'M A DAD!" and then it turns to "he's YOUR SON and you still haven't shed a tear for him! What the **** is wrong with you?" which stops me thinking of him... Because I feel I haven't honored him as I should have.

Knowing my luck, it's probably him stopping me from crying! His way of saying "I'm having way too much fun to look down and see you crying daddy"...

I'll leave you with that, and my apologies if this post is a little incoherent...

4 comments:

  1. It's not incoherent at all. We all grieve differently - the number of tears we shed bare no correlation to the love you feel for the person who has passed.

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  2. sending you all lots of love. Been thinking of you lots these past few weeks especially xxoo

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  3. I was literally about to comment saying pretty much the same thing as Glowless up there. It is beautifully written and heartfelt.

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  4. It's natural for some people to not break down. It's natural from some people to be a wreck & inconsolable. It's natural to be somewhere in the middle. Noone can tell you how to grieve, you just do it as it comes to you.

    Thinking of you both xx

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Thank you for reading!