March 19, 2011

I'm still here!

Don't stress, dear readers (if I have any left!) - I'm still around. It's just been a bit hard for me to get to the computer this past week and a bit. Having a new baby - one I get to look after 24/7 - makes it difficult to do anything. Luckily, she's conked out in her daddy's arms at the moment after having a very fussy night and day. Yaaaawn!

Thank you to everyone who has sent us well wishes and congratulations - she's just the most adorable baby I've ever laid eyes on (tied for first place with her brother of course!) and she has some very special people looking after her, both here and from the "great unknown"...

If anyone has any tips for me to get through these first few challenging weeks, feel free to share! Here's a photo of Amelia and me while we were in hospital to tide you over:

(And Amelia's Mummy too!)

March 11, 2011

Thoughts and feelings after the birth of Amelia (Ianto's little sister)

Well, she's born... Little Amelia Tenielle Margaret Reid!

Whilst I could see Tenielle was physically exhausted after her body's reaction to the gels, improper communication from the hospital to us, and not to mention giving birth to a 3.39kg baby... I felt like I had been the one in labour!

In under 5 minutes of her being born I started literally feeling dizzy with happiness and excitement! I could barely stand because my legs felt funny, but I was too hyped up to sit down! Every now and then a few tears escaped, mainly due to everything that's happened and now this? First we lose Ianto, and now... We are blessed with a gorgeous little princess!

There were lots of photos taken both by me and a friend who was acting as Doula, along with video!

Even now, sitting at work doing my last few shifts before I'm on annual leave to spend time bonding with my family, MY family! That concept itself is weird! Tenielle and I have begun our own family! What better reason could there be for taking time off work? But to spend time with your newborn child!

March 05, 2011

It's really weird...

...getting emails saying I have new comments on a blog post I didn't know had been written.

For once, I hadn't been nagging Scott to write! The last post was all him - I'm proud :)

- Posted via BlogPress from my iPhone

March 04, 2011

Thoughts from the father

I still haven't cried! Ever since those dreadful words came out of the radiologist's mouth "Sorry but there's no blood flow through the heart" - a full year and almost a week after that and I am still yet to have a proper cry!

I can't force it out! It doesn't want to take me by surprise! And it just wants to torment me by getting me thinking "I should read what Tenielle has blogged last", so I read it and just as I feel the water welling up in my eyes and I prepare myself for the breakdown that is inevitable, it goes away again! I know there's the macho male thing of men don't cry, or I have to be the strong one... Hey emotions, I've got a newsflash for ya: if your child dies... It's fine to break down, some would even go as little as to say it's natural!

It's a vicious cycle, I think of Ianto and I get the happy feeling "yeah, I'M A DAD!" and then it turns to "he's YOUR SON and you still haven't shed a tear for him! What the **** is wrong with you?" which stops me thinking of him... Because I feel I haven't honored him as I should have.

Knowing my luck, it's probably him stopping me from crying! His way of saying "I'm having way too much fun to look down and see you crying daddy"...

I'll leave you with that, and my apologies if this post is a little incoherent...

My inflatable boy

A few days after we met and said goodbye to Ianto, Scott's facebook status read something like "My son Ianto was, is, and always will be an inflatable person!" No-one really got it, but they seemed to just go "well, he's a grieving dad, he's bound to say some weird things." But I knew what he meant. And I agreed.

In 2009, Scott and I saw Adam Hills perform for the first time. We saw his show "Inflatable" during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Yesterday we bought and watched the DVD, and we were reminded of just why Ianto was "inflatable." During the show, Adam talks of what he likes to call inflating and deflating people. A deflating person is someone who makes your shoulders slump and your head droop. An inflating person does the opposite. They fill your chest with joy and confidence, and make you hold your head high.

He gave an example - a few years ago, a friend of his died. He described this friend as an inflator. She was the kind of person who brought bunny ears for everyone for a night on the town - just because. When she died, Adam and some other comedians put on a show in her memory. On the way home, he was walking along, dejected and introspective, yet the people he was passing kept smiling at him, and "inflating" just a little from the sight of him. Obviously, he found this odd. It wasn't until the fifth person smiled that he realised - he was still wearing his bunny ears. His friend, although gone, was still inflating people she didn't even know. Adam says people like his friend are the best kind of inflators - it's one thing to do so while you're still here, it's another to do it after you're gone.

And that's why Scott instinctively knew Ianto was an inflator, even then. Even before this blog was started and Ianto's story was told, we knew. And in the year since, it's been proven time and time again. People telling us that his story has touched them, helped them come to terms with their own losses, touched their hearts. My son, my tiny son who no-one ever really knew, is the most inflating person I've ever had the fortune of meeting. He didn't do it with bunny ears, but he did it. He's given us, and quite a lot of you, the strength to face life as it comes.

And he's been doing it for a whole year now. Happy "birthday" to my blog!