February 02, 2011

Stillbirth sucks the big one

swearing in cartoonImage via WikipediaLanguage Warning: As always, I'm writing from the heart and just doing a stream of consciousness thing - but right now, I have a lot of swear words swirling in my head. Most will escape. Also, I'm being a bit mean here. Tough truths and all that. I've also scheduled this to post automatically in the middle of the day rather than 1am when I wrote it.

Fuck. I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was healing from the past year, looking forward to meeting my new baby. But no. Fucking stupid me had to go watch the video I made with Ianto's photos. I had to watch it right in the middle of a kicking storm in my belly from his younger sibling too. Idiot!

I miss my baby. No, scrap that. While I do miss him, I really didn't know him enough to properly miss him. Oh, I can attribute things that have happened to him, but they're not. Rainbows aren't fucking messages from my dead baby, they're just the after-effects of a big rainstorm. My pants falling down while leaving the hospital wasn't him saying "cheer up mummy" - I just didn't tie them tight enough because I forgot I didn't have a pregnant belly any more.

I want to touch his skin again. I want to see him - not in photos. But no. His skin doesn't even exist anymore. It's rotted away like the rest of his body. All that would be left of him now is his tiny little skeleton, broken into bits in the dirt - maybe with the rotting remains of his coffin. And definitely with the nowhere-near-rotting remains of the fucking disposable nappy we put on him. That's probably helped the process along quicker than it would have if he'd had no nappy. His head would be practically flat in the ground, since his skull wasn't fused together.

I hate these thoughts. I really do. It kills me to think of my baby like that. I'm so angry... I think this shit every single day. 339 days in a row I've thought these thoughts. It's been 339 days today since my dead baby was born, and it's 48 days until I'm "due" to give birth to his sibling. This is just not right.

I don't want to be me any more. I want to be some alternative me, who had a baby last year that was alive. Or never got pregnant to begin with. I don't want to be pregnant with my second baby. I want to either have my first with me, or have this one be my first.

Scott and I have aged so much. I watched that video, hand outstretched towards my baby, amazed at how young Scott looked. He looks five years older now - his face shows the pain he feels all the time. My face has grown longer, my eyes sadder. We both wear it all in our faces. The horror of losing our son. The wishing we could go back. The strain of being married to each other... I just want to fix it all. But I don't know how.

It's February. A year ago I had a living baby growing in my belly, and I had no idea of what was coming. The calm before the storm. If this baby dies, that's it. No more Tenielle. I'll be some horrible shadow that's only around because she doesn't want to hurt certain people. Ha! Five people in the entire world to live for. Five people keeping me around.








PS - For what it's worth, after writing all this out, I feel infinitely better. I'll still publish, because it's good to get this stuff out and have people see what it's really like in my head on a "down day"...


6 comments:

  1. Sometimes just reading your blog gets me through the day. My situation wasn't quite as advanced as yours but affected me deeply in so many ways.
    I know have another little person in my life, which i am forever grateful. Please don't lose hope. It is the 4th anniversary this week of our loss and has been really difficult. however reading about your excitement and hopes and dreams for cookie have really been helpful to me. xxxx

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  2. I'm glad you posted this but I wish that you'd never had to.

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  3. I'm with you on this post.

    This time last year we had just found out Evan was indeed Evan and not (girl's name). I was pregnant and sweltering through a Queensland summer.

    This year I still look like I'm 5 months pregnantn as I haven't done diddly shit about losing the baby weight.

    Grr!

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  4. Hello. Thank you SO much for your precious comment on my blog. Following you now. This post is exactly the sort of thoughts I had running through my head after we lost Ellanor. God, how I wish you didn't have them. You will be so glad, years down the road, that you have written them out. Here. Safely. It will give you a good tracking record of your progress through this process. My heart goes out to you, it is such am immensely difficult lot of things to get your head and heart around xx

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  5. I'm glad I got this out - my mind's been nice and quiet since I wrote it :)

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