December 22, 2010

It's started. Perfect.

I suppose I should be grateful. I got to 27 weeks before starting to freak out. But freak out I have been the past three days. I convinced myself I'd lost Cookie.

Never mind I could feel him/her kicking lazily here and there.

Never mind the logical part of my head was telling me that I was trying to feel kicks at times s/he tends to not kick much (I'm guessing s/he's asleep during those times - they do sleep in there, you know!) and the fact I was feeling kicks at all was a good sign at least.

Never mind I knew s/he had moved into a new position a couple of days ago so it could just be that s/he's kicking towards my back instead of my front.

Oh, no, the fact that I wasn't feeling the massive strong kicks I've come to expect from Cookie had convinced me that I'd lost another one. I started making plans last night and everything - "I'll let Scott go to work, then call him when he finishes and tell him to meet me at the hospital because I'm worried. Then we'll do the scan, confirm what I know, go home to pack bags..." I seriously had it all planned out. Right down to the plot in the cemetery where we'd be burying another child. I even (this is so hard to say, and please don't judge me...) planned where I was going to ask to be buried, because I was going to kill myself.

I got up, had a drink of water, and sat on the couch and started thinking about what kind of stuff I might want to pack. "Maybe I should do it now?" I thought, but decided I was too tired and went back to bed. I lay on my back for a little bit, hands on my belly, and thought about my babies. I felt guilt that I've bonded more with this one than I ever did with Ianto. I felt sadness that I'd lost two in one year, and this one so close to Xmas too! I felt paranoia that I'd never be able to carry a child to term. I felt... a massive kick, right under my hand! I'd been thinking about it all for so long that the time had clicked over into an "awake time" for Cookie, and s/he was kicking as usual! I could even distictly feel where his/her bum was, for the very first time! (I'm guessing bum, could have been a head...)

Of course, I immediately burst into tears, waking Scott up in the process. Now he thought something was wrong, and I tried with all my might to explain that it was okay, they were half happy tears, half "oh s***, I have another 13 weeks of this worry!" tears. He hugged me with his hands on my belly and felt a few kicks himself. That's all he needs. Not me, I'm still worried! I know how quickly things can turn around, so my happiness was short-lived.

So, twenty seven weeks of being fairly cruisy about this pregnancy, and now I'm scared. How am I supposed to trust my body and my baby for the next thirteen?

Oh, and this is my 100th post. I was hoping to make it a nice positive one, but last night killed that idea. Today's very much a "blah" day.

4 comments:

  1. Its not an irrational fear yanno... you do have reason behind what your thinking.
    Try not to work yourself up too much, it won't help any situation.
    The next 13 weeks will fly by.

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  2. Sending you HUGS!!! I understand some of that fear and it can be debilitating fear at times. I had a doctor who was very supportive & whenever i needed to be reassured they accommodated me. It's kind of a fine line that has to be impossibly found between being as pro-active as you can given history but not try to write the pregnancy's history as the same as the last time. It's hard.

    Sending HUGS - wish i could take that fear away !

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  3. Hi there Tenielle. When we got to 30 weeks my Ob/Gyn did a little happy dance with me(at her request) after miscarrying 2 babies early and another 1 mid-term. Talk with the hospital about your fears, i spoke with a psych lots for the last ten weeks, she was at a hosp in Heidleberg, part of their mother and baby unit. It really got me through. I had lots of scans and was monitored every 3 days in their fetal monitoring unit. Please talk with your dr about this.
    Sending you lots of hugs and support throughout the last 13 weeks, I'm sure that everything will be fine, Cookie has a guardian angel looking out for him/her!

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  4. I was that way with Evan around 17 weeks. I could feel him but each day was filled with dread that he wouldn't make it.

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