November 29, 2010

I'm dreamin' of an iPad Xmas...

So Nuffnang are having a competition to win an iPad. Um, awesome! You see, as much as I resisted the iPad when it was launched, I've played with a few in the shops and I'm converted. I want one quite badly. I want to be able to blog on it. I want to look at really big photos on it. I want to be one of the "cool kids", basically. (Though getting an iPhone would be cool too... You listening, Scott?)

To enter this competition, I have to choose my favourite blog post of mine, link to it, and explain why it's my favourite. Simple, right? Uhhh... Not so much. I'm finding it hard to choose a favourite.

Is it the one in which I announced my newest pregnancy? I was so happy to share that news with everyone, although the circumstances in which I felt it needed announcing were pretty crappy.

The one where I told everyone about what I thought Ianto would have looked like as he grew up? I loved sharing my visions of my babies with everyone.

The one where I kicked a troll's arse? Actually, no, not that one at all. As much as I like my response, I absolutely hate that I ever had to read that comment to begin with.

Oh, maybe the post last week when I shared the newest photos of Ianto! Maybe... but there wasn't much real content in it, was there?

How about when I bemoaned the fact that everyone expects the fathers of our "lost" babies to get over it so much quicker than they expect the mothers? I was up on my high horse with that one, and I love when I get to do that!

The letter I wrote to my reproductive system while we were still trying to conceive a little brother or sister for Ianto? I quite enjoy my funny posts, however few and far between they are.

Ohhh, the rainbow babies one! I loved doing my self-imposed research for that one! I loved reading all about rainbows and what they can mean to people. I loved teaching you all what I'd read...

The one in which I got up on my soapbox and told you all to shout those uncomfortable words from the rooftops - Stillbirth! Miscarriage! Baby loss! Dead baby! That post was the one that jumped into my head first when I heard of this challenge. But I wrote it for a different challenge for somewhere else, so no.

The letter I wrote to Ianto. Oh, how it hurt to write that one. The emotion just runs out and grabs me every time I read it again.

No. Out of all the 95 posts I have to look back on, I've decided my favourite is my very first post. The one in which I was freshly born into this stillbirth thing and had to tell everyone in the world about my son. My son. Eight months on and it still feels strange to say it. I have a son. My body has birthed a gorgeous little man. He's the reason I live and breathe, even if he's not here with me. He's the reason this blog even exists, the reason so many people know about us now.

That post, that week, defined who I am now. I am Ianto's mother. I am in the "club" of people who have birthed stillborn children. I will never, ever see my baby again and I know what that's like. I am someone who will always cherish her living children because I know what it's like when they're not here. I'm not saying people who haven't "lost" don't cherish their kids, but it's vastly different when you have that insider knowledge.

You know what? I do still want that iPad, but it's been enough of a gift to be able to read back on my old posts and relearn my own journey. How far I've come in eight months. Thank you to all my readers, new and old, from the bottom of my heart. Now give me your iPads and comments. Why don't you tell me what your favourite post is?





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