October 22, 2010

A lot of questions

I was just watching one of my favourite "reality" TV shows, Bondi Vet, and there was a section where Dr Chris was helping a little dog give birth to her three puppies. The second one was stillborn, and the effect it had on the humans in the room was devastating - both were in tears. It made me think...

How did the midwives feel while helping me give birth to Ianto? Were they as devastated as Dr Chris and this dog's owner? Or did they feel nothing, distancing themselves from the poor girl in room 19? Did they draw straws to see who would have to tend to me, or were they falling over themselves to be allowed to do so? Did they wish I wasn't there? Did they wish they could stay longer to help me?

What about the doctor who was meant to take him away? Was he overcome with guilt when he was told that he'd fucked up and put the wrong name on the paperwork? Did he care at all as he looked into a grieving mother's eyes and try to convince her to agree to an autopsy? Did he treat my little boy with the respect he deserved?

Which brings me to another thought. How did they transport Ianto's body to pathology? Did they carry him? Did they wheel his little plastic cot thingie down the hallway? If they did, did they cover him up, or did they wheel him down uncovered? Did they put him in a little body bag of some sort, maybe? I'd like to think he was carried, but it's doubtful. They hardly wanted me being seen around the hospital, they wouldn't have shown my little boy's face.

October 21, 2010

A question from Formspring

Okay, so apparently Formspring auto-publishes questions and answers if I don't tell it not to... Here's one I was just asked by a friend (the same friend who did the guest post on Letters to My Babies)

QUESTION: If little babba turns out to be a lady, could Cookie possibly become permanent? Cookie Reid sounds awesome in my opinion.

ANSWER: Possibly as a nickname (for either gender) but not as a true "given name" - we've had a girl name picked out for almost my entire pregnancy now, and have a "if we can't find one better..." boy name :p

Do you want to ask me a question? Click the link below...

October 19, 2010

Would you donate?

Reading someone else's blog about her 18-year-old son who died, I suddenly remembered something. I'm not sure if it was the week of or the week before Ianto's death, but Scott and I had a conversation about organ donation. We're both on the Organ Donor Register, and the conversation turned to "if one of our kids dies, would we donate their organs?"

Yep. We actually talked about that. I think I was for it and Scott was against. Strange how I went from thinking that to not even wanting an autopsy. Thinking about it now, I think if I'd been given the choice I would have said no. They would have needed to take him away as soon as they could to be able to take his organs, so we wouldn't have had the time we did with him. I doubt the option was even there - I don't think they take organs from stillborn babies, do they?

That said, I think if an older child died I would say yes. As long as we got a satisfactory goodbye, I would donate my child's organs in a heartbeat. I would love knowing my pain was being turned into such a beautiful gift for someone else's child.

Sigh... I promise one day this blog will be a happy place where you don't have to worry about these kinds of posts! Cookie's going well, by the way.

October 15, 2010

Wave of Light - photos...

Kicks, kisses, and a Wave of Light

Cookie is a much stronger kicker than his/her brother. I'm only 17 weeks (and four days) but I've been feeling little movements for a few weeks now. Especially in the past 24 hours. I swear my bladder must look like a punching bag from where Cookie sits (that, or a nice soft beanbag to sleep on...) because it's always being attacked or pushed on. I'm not complaining too loudly though. I love feeling Cookie learn his or her way around "home." I love that I can feel all this so early and so often. I never really got that with Ianto, he wasn't much of a mover most of the time. It's really wonderful. I also have a bit more of a bump! How awesome is that?

Today's a fairly special day in our house. It's the eighth anniversary of Scott asking me to be his girlfriend. The story's quite cute actually. On the 14th of October 2002, Scott kissed me for the first time. I went into shock a little (how would you feel if your crush kissed you?) and was stunned into silence. Because we didn't get much of a chance to talk after it happened, Scott thought he'd upset me. So on the 15th, he called me to apologise for kissing me, and tell me it would never happen again. The conversation didn't exactly go that way. We were kinda awkward, talking about school and all the interesting (read: boring) things we'd done... And then he said the immortal words: "So... you wanna take this thing further?" Again, he'd shocked me into silence. If I remember correctly, he started apologising again as I cut him off and said "um, yeah, actually, I would." And so it was. We stayed together for two years, breaking up in November 2004. We stayed fairly good friends, and got back together in September 2006. Engaged June 8th 2007, married September 19th 2009... And the rest is history. The photo to the left is Scott and I a little over a month before we started going out. It does no justice to just how geeky we both were/are.

October 15th is also a special day in the Babyloss community. It's the "official" remembrance day for our babies. At 7pm, wherever you are, you're invited to light a candle and keep it burning for one hour. You can light as many or as few candles as you wish in memory of our special babies. Tonight, I light four candles - One for Ianto. One for the family members I never met. One for my friends' babies. And one for all the babies who have gone before us. I invite you do to the same, whether you've lost a little one yourself, you know someone who has lost, or if reading this blog is the closest you've ever come to babyloss.

October 13, 2010

What about the men?

I need to get this out... I get so annoyed when I see posts/comments on babyloss things saying "you're all strong women to be able to get through this, blah blah..."

What about the men? What about the husband who watches his wife cry and just wants to take away her pain, thinking he needs to be strong? What about the father who holds his son in his arms and feels the life drain out of his little body? The grandfather who visits his daughter in hospital and sits with her as she fusses over a baby who will never wake up?

I didn't know how hard my own dad took this year, really. When Scott and I went up with my family for a few hours at their holiday place (I was really bored, so we went up on the 3-hour drive to stay with them for about two hours), Dad said he had something to show me. We went around the back of the caravan, and he pointed up in the sky at this beautiful brightly-shining star... and told me "that's Ianto's star." I had to fight back tears as he told me that every time he sees that star, he thinks of "the little fella."

I know Scott's affected too - who wouldn't be, really? He took a photo of Ianto to work for a while, until his boss told him not to any more because it was upsetting people. They all know the story, so they knew the photo wasn't of a living child. They also shouldn't be in the office, but since when has that stood in the way of telling a bereaved parent not to look at photos of their child?

October 09, 2010

Feeling sick and down in the dumps

Ugh. I am not feeling well today. Nothing to do with pregnancy, though, I apparently have inflamed tonsils that are possibly infected. Oh, yay. Got these lovely white dots/lumps in the very back of my throat, and (TMI alert) I think one of them has popped because I can feel/taste something icky. Ewwww! (TMI over) I haven't been feeling unwell until today, however, so I think we picked it up early and I'll be okay. No posting from my deathbed or anything.

Okay, pregnancy news now. I'm still pregnant. Um... Nope, that's about all the news I have. Kidding! I've been feeling little kicks every now and then, which is just amazing. It wasn't that long ago that I doubted I'd be feeling that again. Want to see some pictures?
Look at that cute little face!

My bump.

Kinda related news - one of my dear friends has just found out she's expecting as well! I'm absolutely thrilled for her. I won't go into any details (not my place) but it's been a long and tough journey for her and she and her fiancé really deserve this baby. She's actually going to be the one to announce when Cookie is born, as well as actually being there as part of my birth team. Would you believe we only just met this year? And that we've only met face-to-face three times? Well it's true, so believe it.