September 27, 2010

He was... She will be...

He was blond. Have I said that here? I forget sometimes. We cut a little of his hair as a keepsake, like normal parents do. I don't look at it often, so I forget it's there. I always imagined my kids as being blond/e. I still daydream about what he would have been like as a baby, as a toddler. I know it'll never happen. But I know, somehow, what he would have looked like if he'd lived. Those chubby cheeks. That cheeky little grin. Those luscious blond curls that would give way to straight hair when he was about three years old. Okay, admittedly, all three things I've just mentioned are my brother's and my defining features as toddlers. But I still picture that little boy, and know I'll never meet him.

I also dream of what Cookie will look like once "she" is born. Even though we were determined to think Ianto was a girl I was never able to conjure up a picture of a female "Smudge" - I always saw this little boy. This is another reason for me to believe Cookie is a girl. I can't see a male Cookie. Only a little brown-haired girl with a cheeky grin and thin arms. Instead of seeing a toddler, however, the Cookie of my mind is about five years old.

To be honest, I don't like thinking of this brunette girl. I'm biased. I want a little blonde girl whose hair I can put up in pigtails like my mum used to do for me. But this image prevails. Readers, please remind me of this post if I'm still blogging in a few years. Tell me if I got it right. Tell me I got it wrong (oh, please, please, tell me I'm wrong!)

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