September 27, 2010

He was... She will be...

He was blond. Have I said that here? I forget sometimes. We cut a little of his hair as a keepsake, like normal parents do. I don't look at it often, so I forget it's there. I always imagined my kids as being blond/e. I still daydream about what he would have been like as a baby, as a toddler. I know it'll never happen. But I know, somehow, what he would have looked like if he'd lived. Those chubby cheeks. That cheeky little grin. Those luscious blond curls that would give way to straight hair when he was about three years old. Okay, admittedly, all three things I've just mentioned are my brother's and my defining features as toddlers. But I still picture that little boy, and know I'll never meet him.

I also dream of what Cookie will look like once "she" is born. Even though we were determined to think Ianto was a girl I was never able to conjure up a picture of a female "Smudge" - I always saw this little boy. This is another reason for me to believe Cookie is a girl. I can't see a male Cookie. Only a little brown-haired girl with a cheeky grin and thin arms. Instead of seeing a toddler, however, the Cookie of my mind is about five years old.

To be honest, I don't like thinking of this brunette girl. I'm biased. I want a little blonde girl whose hair I can put up in pigtails like my mum used to do for me. But this image prevails. Readers, please remind me of this post if I'm still blogging in a few years. Tell me if I got it right. Tell me I got it wrong (oh, please, please, tell me I'm wrong!)

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I am even more impatient this time around than last time!


All I want to do is be in a coma for the next 25ish weeks, only getting out of bed for appointments. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of trying to think of things to do for Cookie - I'm sure I've done it all already. I am ready to have this baby, and I'm only 15 weeks! I'm sure I didn't start feeling this way until a little later with Ianto... And there's an obvious answer, of course. I did do all this for him. Last year, and early this year. Everything that was ready for him is sitting ready for Cookie. I have already gone through more than forty weeks of pregnancy in the past year, with no baby in my arms to show for it.

But still, I did feel this way last time. Just not as early. The only thing left to do is to buy more clothes, nappies, a mattress for the cot... Nothing I can do right now. All things that can and will wait until much later. I'm just so frustrated! Once again, it doesn't feel like I'm pregnant, and it's killing me. It's hard to get excited, just like it was last time, because it still doesn't feel real. It hardly feels real that I already did all this within the past year. Sometimes I wouldn't even believe that Ianto or Cookie exist(ed) without the photos/ultrasound pictures...

I just want to skip to giving birth... Or even skip to 32 weeks and take it from there. I've never had a live baby in my belly after 32 weeks...

September 23, 2010

An unexpected reaction

Most readers of this blog would already know that I'm (mostly) alright with looking at/holding/cooing over other babies. Somehow I'm happier holding someone else's baby than anything else in the world (except, obviously, thinking of holding my own soon) so this morning I got a massive surprise.

A little backstory before I go into this. R is my cousin's cousin, or something along those lines. If I remember correctly, her mum used to be one of my mum's closest friends (but I could be wrong - I don't know them very well.) I hadn't seen R in years before February. I found out R was pregnant while waiting for my 30 week check-up while pregnant with Ianto. Yes, I said 30 weeks. I was 30 weeks and six days pregnant with Ianto, making the date the 18th of February. Not long after, R adds me as a friend on facebook. I'm perfectly fine with all her little updates about her baby. I even said last week that she must be ready to pop by now, to which she replied that she was going in for a caesarean this week.

So today rolls along. R has her caesarean this morning, and promptly posts a picture of her new little man. I comment "he's so gorgeous" or something along those lines... then realise it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest. It took me all of five seconds to work out why. I am upset. R has her baby - her second, I think - and I'm still waiting for one I can hold. How unexpected.

September 13, 2010

I'm still waiting.

Very important update before you read this post - I did end up getting the photos, and I'm eternally grateful to Gavin Blue (the now-President of the group) for tracking them down for us. Here's the link to the post from the day they arrived. 

The ACOCP has also changed its name to Heartfelt, so please go visit and support them in any way you can. I know it wasn't their fault the photos took so long to arrive. All that matters to me is that they did. What happened to me was definitely a one-time thing.

I've been putting this post off, because I want to believe in humanity. But it's just been too long.

We still don't have the rest of the photos from the ACOCP. From what I can tell, it's not the fault of the group, it's the photographer's fault. She's either gone missing, has been in hospital, fired... something. I'm scared we'll never get to see these photos. The Heartfelt exhibition was cancelled/postponed, too, because everything that seemingly happened with her happened just before that was meant to be going ahead.

She was the President of the group. It's this fact that makes me think she's done a runner or something and they just don't want it to become public. Her business page has even gone missing. PLUS I got an email the other day from someone asking me if I know what's happened - from someone whose wedding she's supposed to be shooting sometime next year!

I really hope there's an innocent explanation for this.

In other news, everything's going well with my pregnancy. I'm 13 weeks now!