August 15, 2010

How does the world keep turning when she's not in it?

My nan died today. My world feels like it's crashed down yet again, just as I was starting to build up from losing Ianto. I've been in shock all day, floating through everything. My dad told Scott at our doorstep (I'd run away to get dressed because I only had a dressing gown on) and Scott told me in the bedroom. I knew what he was about to say before he said it, and I told him not to. "Don't you dare say it"... But he had to press on.

We drove to Nan's place in shock. I cried on and off about different things. We got there before they took her away, and I don't think I left the room for very long. I had to stay with her. I sobbed, I hugged people... Laughed at stupid things, as I tend to do when I'm upset. Broke down when my mum, the youngest of six, begged her mum to "just wake up"... I think I might leave everything else for another day...

When Ianto was born, Nan was one of the only people in the world who treated him like a normal, live, baby. I don't recall if she held him - I don't think she did - but I know she at least stroked his beautiful little face and kissed his sweet cheeks. She smiled, when everyone else was crying. She spoke his name without thinking she was offending me (of course I wasn't offended!)

I really can't do Nan justice in a blog post. I lived before Ianto, I know how to live without Ianto, but I've never lived in a world without my Nan. How do I go on? How does the world turn without Nan in it?
I asked her to look after Ianto. Maybe it should be him looking after her, letting her know all the ins and outs of the afterlife.

I am so incredibly sorry to all my future children, who never got to meet Nan. She was a fantastic, amazing, unstoppable lady who would have spoiled them to no end.

I'm going tomorrow to help with the funeral arrangements. I'm the one who's had the most recent loss before this, it seems, so I'm the one who has the freshest memories of how to organise a funeral.

I'll leave you with this link to a video... I always thought I'd like this played at Nan's funeral... Now it might actually happen, if I'm allowed to suggest it... I can't work out how to insert it, even though I know I've done it before... If I work it out, I'll come back and do that...


  1. I'm so sorry to read of the very sad passing of your Nan. I hope you and your family can find comfort in each other arms at this very sad time. Thinking of you.

  2. Hey hun,
    I know exactly what you mean about you knew how to live before Ianto but you never known how to live with your nan. I guess thats the closet similarity it has come to my mum. I've never known how to live with her ... I've lost all my grandparents. It sucks it really does.

    I understand, you know where I am when you want to vent. Even if I am miles away.

    E xx

  3. Oh honey. I am so sorry your Nan is gone. There's not much more earth shattering like finding out that your grandparent has died. (Except losing your own child or children.) Biggest hugs from Australia to you.

    (My host brother died a few days ago. He was 35. His heavy laden asphalt truck tipped or rolled over. God just decided it was time for him to come home, we guess. I'm sure he's taking care of Ianto for you and probably referree-ing some tangles our little boys are getting into!) ;)

  4. :( I'm so sorry Teni. What a terrible loss for you. She sounds like such a beautiful, amazing soul. I'm sure her and Ianto are enjoying some cuddles, and he's showing her round the place.

    Massive hugs hun. Hang on in there.


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