July 25, 2010

I'm happy with my choice.

I'm halfway through reading a new book called "Pregnancy Loss" right now. Just finished the bit about causes of loss (I skipped ahead to the causes of stillbirth section) and how they find things out. There was one part that really struck me as odd. The book mentioned that parents who suffer a loss are more likely to regret not having an autopsy done than to regret having one done.

I'm the other way around. Even though we have no answers as to why Ianto died, and occasionally I still wonder if it was me, there's no way in hell I regret not having them slice my baby open to look inside him. Yes, it sounds brutal, and I'm sorry if I've offended anybody (though if that offends you, don't read that part of the book - they actually go into detail with what happens during a baby's autopsy) but that's how it is.

One other part that doesn't have me so riled up is the part that says that we all deal with being in the "baby loss club" differently:

"...some of us feel guilty and ashamed to be a member. Some of us want to wear our club colours with pride, to shout about it, stop people in the street and tell them that it exists..."
 Wanna take a guess at which I am?

I was planning to use a photo of my "I (heart) my stillborn son" t-shirt, but the computer refuses to believe I have the memory card in it...

July 24, 2010

Still plodding on

There hasn't really been much going on around here lately. I feel I'm letting my poor blog languish, but I seriously have nothing to say right now. There's only so many ways I can say "I miss Ianto," isn't there?

Is there anything anyone wants me to write about? Anything you feel might have been left unsaid? Anything? Anyone? I feel so lost and alone right now...

Oh! Here's something I meant to put in here, the little thing that was in TV Week! I forgot to rotate it, so you'll just have to tilt your head.

July 19, 2010


I think I've broken my foot. I was putting together some furniture last night (yeah, I was that bored) and dropped a huge lump of wood on it. It's come up in a massive bruise and still hurts like hell, around 10 hours after it happened. Owiiieeee!

We have new neighbours again at the cemetery. Yesterday we went to visit Ianto, and I saw the fresh graves... I broke down, it was terrible. It was the first time I've properly cried for all the other parents of these kids. It just hurt like hell, knowing they were going through similar to what I'm getting through. I wasn't crying for myself for once, I was crying for people I'd never met and never will. There should be no such thing as a childrens' section in a cemetery. Kids aren't meant to die.

On the TTC front - "Aunt Flo" hasn't shown up. I'm scared now, but I'm out of peesticks and we don't have enough money to buy any right now...

July 17, 2010

Someone always has it worse.

Have you ever had something bad happen to you, so you go off and find stories that are worse? The ones where you go "I thought I had it bad, but wow..." I do. I do it a lot, especially these days. I find babyloss blogs more interesting if my brain whispers to me "this is worse than what happened to you."

I'm actually not really in the mood to blog so I'll leave you with that.

July 15, 2010

What an… interesting… holiday

I'm typing this currently flying over New South Wales on our way back from our two-week holiday in Brisbane. It was interesting to say the least! We pretty much did nothing up there we wouldn't do at home. Well, we went to Movie World. And tried to go to a koala sanctuary. Other than that… nothing but sleep, eat, go on the computer, and occasionally go to the shops. Wow. Fun. I'm not being sarcastic at all (lies!)

Movie World was pretty good. Last time I went there was 12 years ago on my very first trip to Queensland. We made sure to take Ianto's bear with us, and got lots of photos with characters holding him. We figured, if Ianto was with us, he'd have been getting photos with them, so why not the bear? It was nice. I'm pretty sure the actor inside the Sylvester suit caught on to why we were asking for those photos – he (she?) held the bear up to his/her face – the part they can see out of – and read the back of teddy's jumper. It says "Loved, Missed, Treasured" so it's fairly obvious it's for someone who's died. He/she did this just as I said "it's for our son." Pretty clear, really.

I had a bit of a cry on the plane on the way to Brisbane, though. We originally booked the trip so Scott's mum and stepdad could meet "Smudge." We booked the tickets at the start of February. He was supposed to be with us. Instead we had to leave him behind and go by ourselves. I was looking out over the clouds (it's so gorgeous watching the sun set from a plane!) thinking that if there is a heaven, that would be about as close as we'll be to him for a very long time. Yes, me, psycho atheist/agnostic thought for a moment about heaven! Shock! Horror!

Something else happened while we were up there, but I'm going to keep it off the blog for a little bit until I'm ready to tell that story. It deserves its own full post.

Thanks for being so patient with me, I know it's been a while between posts. I really do love you all!

Red Nose Day 2010

Typed on the plane on the 1st of July

Hello! As promised this post will be about my experience of Red Nose Day (25th June) this year. Specifically, the remembrance service held in Melbourne. I even took notes!

It started off like all Melbourne days lately – horrible and rainy. Strangely, it wasn't that cold. Just rainy. I thought it was pretty apt for a memorial service. I thought about what I would wear for maybe ten seconds – my rainbow dress of course! I even wore a pair of rainbow socks that I bought myself for my birthday. I was in a pretty good mood. As I went to leave, I thought I'd grab a photo of Ianto to take with me and look at during the service. This would end up being a great decision. I was kicking myself later on when I realized I should have brought Ianto's teddy bear, though.

I really reckon they should advertise next year's memorial better. I knew about it and I had trouble finding information (I'd been told about it by my counselor Denise) so I would have had no help if I didn't know.

I was pretty disappointed about the weather once I realized I'd have to cover my tattoo up (it was that or freeze to death from the rain) so I did all I could to show off my dress and socks. I'm looking forward to summer so I can show it off again! Rainbows kept popping up again. On the train, I was staring out the window, thinking about what was to come, and I saw a lady (man?) with a rainbow umbrella. I saw an identical one while walking to the service. At the service, there was a line in a poem about rainbows… I was really hoping for a real rainbow later on, but it didn't happen.

At the service itself… Oh, it was fantastic. Singing, poems, speeches... It was so calming being around other people who have lost kids. I noticed as I got there that there were photos of children near the altar (it was held in a church, but wasn't religious at all) so I asked if I was allowed to place Ianto's photo there too. I was most definitely allowed! They encourage people to place photos there. I put mine front and centre.

Just before the end of the service, they asked if anyone wanted to come up and speak. I'd seen in the program that they would be doing this, so I'd prepared by handwriting my poem "In The Still" so I could read it. Before me, though, was a boy whose twin had died at six months old. This boy was maybe 17? 20? and he just spoke from his heart to his brother he never got to know. I had tears pouring down my face – not the best time for me to be getting up to speak myself but I pushed on. I stumbled over a couple of words while I was introducing myself, then read my poem. I had people coming up to me afterwards telling me how brave I was, normally people don't get the courage to get up there for quite a while, and here I was only four months after losing Ianto speaking to everyone. So proud of myself.

Then came the balloon release. It was magnificent.