June 12, 2010

My Birthday. Sigh.

It was my birthday on Thursday. The big 2-4. I am in my mid-twenties, and I've never felt older (ha ha.)

Scott got me two pendants, an S and a T, to wear on a necklace I already have (and haven't really worn this past year), and chipped in on what his best friend got me: a preorder for Lego Harry Potter (which says more about how the boys see me than it does about how I really am)
I quite like the pendants. They're cute, and I can see that Scott is proud he was so thoughtful. Much better than getting me a CD like he did when I turned 17. I feel terrible for being ungrateful about the game. They thought that I would like it. But what they don't seem to have taken into account is the fact that pretty much every day I want to pick the bloody Xbox up and smash it. I hate it.

My party was last night. Again, the less said the better. Two people showed up, outside of Scott and I. Didn't that make me feel special? Two people messaged me during the day with valid reasons, but the others... Well, I'm not too happy with. Oh well.
Also, as promised, I did a pregnancy test on my birthday. Big Fat Negative. Oh well again. I wasn't even sure I should have been testing, since I have no way of working out when I'm ovulating (oh, sorry, should stick a TMI warning on this, shouldn't I?)... But it wasn't to be anyway. Ugly disgusting "Aunt Flo" showed up this morning. So, definitely not pregnant. If next time is the same as this cycle... I'll be starting to test around the time Ianto was conceived last year. Great.

Not quite sure how I feel about all this. I mean, on one hand I'm glad I'm not pregnant, because my due date would have been about mid-February next year (aka just before Ianto's first birthday) but on the other hand... it could have been February next year! And what if I do get pregnant this time? I'll be due around March/April - when he should be celebrating his first birthday. It's so hard - I want so desperately to be pregnant again, hod a baby in my arms and know I won't be letting this one go... But I'm not sure I want to be going through all the emotions that will come around that time while I'm pregnant.
Next month is July. Scott said we can start "properly trying" in July. I kinda already have been, though I'm quite lax about it. But from July, I'm going to be rabidly charting, doing whatever it takes to get pregnant again.

Sorry, not a very positive post... I started off intending it to be, I promise! It went off the rails, sorry.

2 comments:

  1. Oh, you poor thing. I'm always disappointed by birthdays, but try to stay positive and focus on what's good in your life, and the day you will be holding that baby in your arms. xx

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  2. Happy birthday hunny. Massive *hug*

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