June 07, 2010

Had a little breakdown in public (again!)

This all happened on Saturday night, but I've only just gotten around to writing it now.

Saturday, Scott and I went out to dinner for my cousin's husband's birthday. We get along quite well, better than not as well as I'd like, but still okay. Cousin (A) and cousin's husband (B) have two kids - C (2 y.o. lil lady) and D (5 month old lil man) who are absolutely gorgeous. C has such a strong little personality, and D is getting to be so big!

Unfortunately, D being the age he is, and A having been pregnant while I was pregnant, I can't help thinking every time I see them that I should have a baby not much younger than D. I was fine (mostly) the first time I saw them after Ianto was born - it was actually on Ianto's one-month "birthday" and I wrote about it saying "...the only thing that made me smile was holding my cousin's baby..." because it was nice, being able to cuddle a real baby rather than long to hold one.

But here lies the problem. Saturday, I couldn't hold D. I didn't ask, he was kinda sleepy at times, I was sitting on the wrong end of the table, and an uncle's wife was holding him for a great deal of the time. So I watched. I stared at that little face as he looked around with wide eyes, discovering the world around him. And eventually, as I knew they would, the tears came. I tried to fight them off. I didn't want to make a scene into my porterhouse steak with garlic sauce (it was Yummy!) so I kept just staring. I tried to keep my eyes open, but they shut on their own and the tears rolled down my cheeks.

Eventually I realised people must have been able to see me, because Scott leaned over and asked if I wanted to leave. I kept my eyes closed and told him yes, though I felt bad for it. I know how I'd feel if someone left my birthday dinner (it's on Thursday, people!) because they couldn't keep their emotions in check and fell into a blubbering mess at the table. I stood up, kinda waved goodbye to everyone and wished the birthday boy a Happy Birthday (he confirmed that everyone knew I'd been crying when he looked at me and gave that sad little laugh as he said "yeah", thanks) and left in a hurry.

Scott followed me out a few minutes later and just cuddled me until I stopped sobbing. We drove home, and in no time at all, I wasn't upset anymore! I just had to remove myself from the stressor (in this case, D)

It hit me in the car, though. D isn't even the closest family member in age to Ianto. Another cousin (L) has another little boy, T, who is almost exactly one month older than Ianto. The biggest difference there, though, is that L practically gives T up to me when I see them. They came over the day after I came home from hospital, and I spent about an hour just cuddling T until he needed a nappy change. So L and T were there right from the start (though I can still count how many times I've met him on one hand) and that softens it when I see them.

Not too much else happening, except my laptop won't connect to the internet so I'm stuck using Scott's again and it's not portable at all so I can't take it anywhere.... Grrr...

Footnote - A B C & D aren't their actual initials, in case you didn't realise. L and T are.

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