June 26, 2010

The results are in [or; Doctorcide]

(Note: I started writing this on Friday)

Drum roll please....

brrrrrruuuummmmm brrrruuuummmm...

I have polycystic ovaries. Hooray.

See how happy I am?
No, actually, I'm fine with that. I'm okay with the polycystic ovaries, because it gives a reason why my body doesn't do what it's supposed to when it's supposed to.

What I'm not happy about is how the doctor dealt with it. I've seen this doctor a few times (being a public patient, usually I would see a different doctor every time I went in) and I knew he was hopeless from when we got Ianto's results. He skims over results, tells me things I already know, speaks reallyquicklysoIcan'tunderstandwhathe'ssaying and in a really strong, indecipherable accent... You get the picture. So, I wasn't too surprised when this happened:

  • He walked into the room and asked if I'd been to this hospital before. I promptly snapped "yes, many times" as I always do when I'm stuck with him.
  • He glanced over my ultrasound results and said something about how I wasn't ovulating when I had it. When was my last period? Again, I snapped at him. "It finished the day before the ultrasound." I happened to look at the screen and noticed down the bottom it said "Conclusion: Polycystic ovaries." I crapped my pants and waited for him to come to it. Then...
  • He started looking at the blood test results I got a month ago and telling me the results of those. I told him I already knew that, and could he please tell me what the ultrasound said?
  • He ignored me again, and asked for clarification about my miscarriage - "it was at 22 weeks, correct?" Let me say that again. He asked about my miscarriage at 22 weeks. Last I checked, Ianto was stillborn at 32 weeks. And legally, at 22 weeks, that would still be a stillbirth! I almost yelled at him the correct details, and asked about the ultrasound again..
  • He again told me that I wasn't ovulating (DUH!) and started talking himself through the results.
You know how, when you're talking to yourself, or asking a question you know the answer to, you kinda sum everything up? He did that. He said something like "...had problems with polycystic ovaries for a while..." at which point I pounced. I got one of my little anger rushes and SNAPPED at him "yes, that's what the ultrasound was checking for!"

It didn't even phase him that I was angry and so close to punching him in the face. He just casually said something about how I've had it for my entire life, he can't see how I didn't know already, blah blah blah. I asked what we're going to do to treat it, and the bastard laughed at me! He said that there's no cure, all he could do is give me something to make me ovulate. I knew that already. That's what I meant when I asked about treatment. Then he said something else and I had to physically restrain myself.

He won't give me the drug (Clomid) unless I'm not pregnant by December. Because I managed to get pregnant with Ianto without help. We explained that we had gone without contraception for a year beforehand, we just weren't actively trying until just before we found out I was pregnant. But no. He won't do anything about it. I even asked if he could prescribe it anyway, for my own peace of mind, and he said no because the risk of multiples is higher on Clomid. Wow, too bad if I actually wouldn't fucking mind having multiples! Yes, I know that there's more risk of miscarriage, prematurity, etc. with multiples. But that doesn't outweigh my need to have another baby.

Let me put it this way. I don't know the exact numbers, so let's say the probability of having multiples on Clomid is 50% and the probability of having premature birth in multiples is also 50%. I would have a 25% chance of premature multiple birth on Clomid. 75% says I would have a normal, full-term birth, possibly a multiple one. Does that make it easier to understand? I'm willing to risk that 25%.

My head hurts now.

So, in conclusion, I'm changing hospitals as soon as I can.

Next post: I celebrate Red Nose Day.

June 17, 2010

The thing about ultrasounds...

...is that you have to wait for the doctor to give you your results. Yes, stupid me went into my ultrasound today thinking that they would be telling me if there's something wrong. I neglected to remember that I'd be getting my results next week at my obstetrician appointment. Oops. I'll just have to go off my "expert" opinion of what I saw...

To begin with, the radiologist (let's call him Steve) ultrasounded my tummy. This was fun, though I didn't look at the screen much. I noticed he was looking at my uterus, and I didn't want to see it empty so I looked away. Then stupidly made a comment to Scott about it looking weird, since I'm used to seeing a baby in there. Steve looked up and said "Oh, how many kids have you got?" I stumbled over my words a little, gestured to Scott (who was holding my teddy with Ianto's name on it*) and said something along the lines of "Oh, just the.. you know..." Steve was nice about it and filled in the rest - "...the one?" "yeah."

After that came what is colloquially known as "dildo-cam." It really wasn't that bad, just a thin little thing with a condom on the end (which I found amusing) that went in a few inches** and was more uncomfortable than painful. Steve checked out my right ovary, which to me looked okay. Well, except for the little dark spots I saw everywhere. Of course, I convinced myself that they were cysts. Then came the left ovary.

Oh boy. My left ovary was apparently hiding because Steve couldn't find it for a few minutes and had to push the probe in a little further. Ohhh now that was uncomfortable! Eventually he found it, measurements were taken, and by the looks of it, Leftie is massively smaller than Rightie. Oh dear.

As Steve was trying to find Leftie, he took a while to look at my cervix too. He looked at it for quite a while. I think he saw something wrong, because he started frowning and asking how old "the baby" was. "Um... He'd be about 3 months..." Steve frowned again. Typed a couple of letters - CX (cervix), then TR (um, what?)... And continued looking. I'm a little scared now. TR... what could that mean? Tear? Have I torn my cervix somehow?

Anyway, Steve was quite nice, finished up quickly, and we left soon after. Into the torrential rain. I stuck teddy down the front of my dress (which made it look like I had a baby down there) and we bolted for the car, me shivering my substantial bottom off.

Aaaand... That's it... I can never work out how to end my posts...

*Yes, I took the teddy bear. I needed the comfort since I knew we'd be waiting in the same waiting room I sat in for half an hour, by myself, after the ultrasound where it was confirmed Ianto had died.

**Geez, when I started this blog, this is not the kind of thing I thought I would ever be writing about!

June 16, 2010

In other news...

My ultrasound is in the morning. Here's hoping I get conclusive results one way or another.

A massive thank you to everyone who's sent me messages of support regarding my previous post! Big hugs to everyone. I was feeling a bit sick since I read it, but I worked out it was just hunger (haha)

Also, big news. It's been in the works for a couple of days, but last night I was "officially" asked to set up the Australian sister site for Megan's World, a UK charity that raises money for headstones to go on babies' (and older children's) graves. I'm really excited about this. I'm still waiting to find out exactly what it is I have to do, though...

I think I might go visit Ianto tomorrow. I want to measure how long his actual grave is so I can put some of my ideas into action.

Don't you just love trolls?


Ah, the joys of having trolls on my blog... I'm actually quite amused at the comment I just got*:

"Your so sick. As if you'd take so many pictures of a decomposing child, in different poses too. You must have some mental issues. When a child is dead, it's not meant to be played with, you sick fucker."
Let's break that down, bit by bit.
  1. My so sick what? Either spell "you're" correctly or finish the sentence. I have a sick... something. Mind telling me what it is?
  2. I'm fairly certain he wasn't "decomposing" when I took the photos of him. You see, it takes around a week for human skin cells to even start to decompose. About seven minutes for brain tissue. But I didn't take photos of his brain (now that would have been sick!) so I'm not entirely sure what you mean. It's not like I dig him up and take new photos to check his progress... And yes, I did take "so many photos" of him. Can't you see them?
  3. Mental issues? Why yes, I do suffer from depression. And grief too. How weird is that? I mean, it's not like people do this every day or anything. Yawn, next sentence...
  4. Play with him? I wish I could play with him! You don't "play" with stillborn children. You carefully handle them, just as you would any newborn. You're actually more careful, since you don't know if you're going to break their skin or any other part of them.
    • 4a. Yes, I am a sick fucker. I have a very sniffly nose right now (sick), and I'm trying to conceive another baby (fucker).
Thanks for your time in reading my blog, but really, if you have these kinds of views, don't fucking read it, moron.

If you comment on this one too, leave your name. I'd love to know who I have to cut out of my life (if you're someone I know, which is possible.)

*I haven't published the comment on the post, because I wouldn't want anyone stumbling across it without context (it was strangely on a post that has no pictures of Ianto whatsoever)

EDIT: Oh, in all the fuss, I forgot to show you one thing - the tshirt I designed and ordered myself!

I should be receiving it within a week. The small text points people to my site (Yes, I am what is colloquially known as a "blogwhore"

June 14, 2010

Dear Reproductive System...

Dearest Ovaries,

I’m not entirely sure what I ever did to you, but I don’t think it would have been bad enough for you to give up on me and decide not to release your precious eggs when you’re supposed to. Look, if you just released them on time, then you’d possibly be in for another 38-week-or-so holiday! It seems to me that you would enjoy that. Have a talk to the eggs about getting fertilized. I don’t want them to be scared of it. Tell them it’s not painful. Also, please behave on Thursday during my ultrasound. If you do have cysts, don’t hide them. If you don’t have any, then don’t make it seem like you do. The rest of my body lets me down like that at times, so it would be fantastic of you to set a good example. I’m counting on you.

Yours, Tenielle

Dear Cervix,

I’ve spoken to your neighbours, the Ovaries, and if you could work in sync with them it would be fantastic. All I’m asking is for you to release a bit of the right kind of mucous, and be the right shape, when one of the Ovaries releases an egg. Then, if everything goes to plan, all you have to do from there is stay tightened until a baby is ready to arrive! It’s quite simple, really. But you don’t seem to think it is lately. Maybe consider a refresher course on what your job actually entails, because you’ve shown me in the past year that you’re capable of doing your job.

Yours sincerely, Tenielle

Dear Uterus,

You haven’t really done anything to make me upset. Really, I’d like to thank you for keeping my son safe for as long as you did. And thank you for my labour being as quick as it was. I know it wasn’t completely your doing, but thanks for working with the gel and making it okay. All I really want from you right now is to catch another fertilised egg and keep it safe. I have faith in you.

Love, Tenielle

Dear Scott's Sperm,

Spermaids do not exist. Eyes on the job, boys.

xox Tenielle

June 12, 2010

My Birthday. Sigh.

It was my birthday on Thursday. The big 2-4. I am in my mid-twenties, and I've never felt older (ha ha.)

Scott got me two pendants, an S and a T, to wear on a necklace I already have (and haven't really worn this past year), and chipped in on what his best friend got me: a preorder for Lego Harry Potter (which says more about how the boys see me than it does about how I really am)
I quite like the pendants. They're cute, and I can see that Scott is proud he was so thoughtful. Much better than getting me a CD like he did when I turned 17. I feel terrible for being ungrateful about the game. They thought that I would like it. But what they don't seem to have taken into account is the fact that pretty much every day I want to pick the bloody Xbox up and smash it. I hate it.

My party was last night. Again, the less said the better. Two people showed up, outside of Scott and I. Didn't that make me feel special? Two people messaged me during the day with valid reasons, but the others... Well, I'm not too happy with. Oh well.
Also, as promised, I did a pregnancy test on my birthday. Big Fat Negative. Oh well again. I wasn't even sure I should have been testing, since I have no way of working out when I'm ovulating (oh, sorry, should stick a TMI warning on this, shouldn't I?)... But it wasn't to be anyway. Ugly disgusting "Aunt Flo" showed up this morning. So, definitely not pregnant. If next time is the same as this cycle... I'll be starting to test around the time Ianto was conceived last year. Great.

Not quite sure how I feel about all this. I mean, on one hand I'm glad I'm not pregnant, because my due date would have been about mid-February next year (aka just before Ianto's first birthday) but on the other hand... it could have been February next year! And what if I do get pregnant this time? I'll be due around March/April - when he should be celebrating his first birthday. It's so hard - I want so desperately to be pregnant again, hod a baby in my arms and know I won't be letting this one go... But I'm not sure I want to be going through all the emotions that will come around that time while I'm pregnant.
Next month is July. Scott said we can start "properly trying" in July. I kinda already have been, though I'm quite lax about it. But from July, I'm going to be rabidly charting, doing whatever it takes to get pregnant again.

Sorry, not a very positive post... I started off intending it to be, I promise! It went off the rails, sorry.

June 07, 2010

Had a little breakdown in public (again!)

This all happened on Saturday night, but I've only just gotten around to writing it now.

Saturday, Scott and I went out to dinner for my cousin's husband's birthday. We get along quite well, better than not as well as I'd like, but still okay. Cousin (A) and cousin's husband (B) have two kids - C (2 y.o. lil lady) and D (5 month old lil man) who are absolutely gorgeous. C has such a strong little personality, and D is getting to be so big!

Unfortunately, D being the age he is, and A having been pregnant while I was pregnant, I can't help thinking every time I see them that I should have a baby not much younger than D. I was fine (mostly) the first time I saw them after Ianto was born - it was actually on Ianto's one-month "birthday" and I wrote about it saying "...the only thing that made me smile was holding my cousin's baby..." because it was nice, being able to cuddle a real baby rather than long to hold one.

But here lies the problem. Saturday, I couldn't hold D. I didn't ask, he was kinda sleepy at times, I was sitting on the wrong end of the table, and an uncle's wife was holding him for a great deal of the time. So I watched. I stared at that little face as he looked around with wide eyes, discovering the world around him. And eventually, as I knew they would, the tears came. I tried to fight them off. I didn't want to make a scene into my porterhouse steak with garlic sauce (it was Yummy!) so I kept just staring. I tried to keep my eyes open, but they shut on their own and the tears rolled down my cheeks.

Eventually I realised people must have been able to see me, because Scott leaned over and asked if I wanted to leave. I kept my eyes closed and told him yes, though I felt bad for it. I know how I'd feel if someone left my birthday dinner (it's on Thursday, people!) because they couldn't keep their emotions in check and fell into a blubbering mess at the table. I stood up, kinda waved goodbye to everyone and wished the birthday boy a Happy Birthday (he confirmed that everyone knew I'd been crying when he looked at me and gave that sad little laugh as he said "yeah", thanks) and left in a hurry.

Scott followed me out a few minutes later and just cuddled me until I stopped sobbing. We drove home, and in no time at all, I wasn't upset anymore! I just had to remove myself from the stressor (in this case, D)

It hit me in the car, though. D isn't even the closest family member in age to Ianto. Another cousin (L) has another little boy, T, who is almost exactly one month older than Ianto. The biggest difference there, though, is that L practically gives T up to me when I see them. They came over the day after I came home from hospital, and I spent about an hour just cuddling T until he needed a nappy change. So L and T were there right from the start (though I can still count how many times I've met him on one hand) and that softens it when I see them.

Not too much else happening, except my laptop won't connect to the internet so I'm stuck using Scott's again and it's not portable at all so I can't take it anywhere.... Grrr...

Footnote - A B C & D aren't their actual initials, in case you didn't realise. L and T are.

June 05, 2010

Selling various things...

A few weeks ago I set up a facebook fan page so I can sell my personalised canvases (linkie) - no luck yet past two freebies going out (one's in progress, the second's yet to be won in a charity auction) but I'm hopeful! There's also a blog set up for progress photos, here's the link to that.

I've also just set up a Cafepress store selling these designs (linkie):

So if you'd like to make suggestions, or buy anything, let me know.

June 02, 2010

A follow-up to my cemetery visit.

As you can see in the comments on this post, the lady who hugged me was actually the great auntie of the baby who was being visited. I did end up leaving a thank you note (laminated of course) with my name and the address of my blog. I am so grateful that it wasn't taken the wrong way. I wasn't quite sure if I was being rude or not. Maybe someone else may have taken it differently.

Okay, even though the issue's over now, I think I should share what happened the day I left the note. As I pulled up to "our" spot, I noticed there were some workers doing something in there - cleaning up the dead flowers and such - two older men and one around my age. The two older ones left the area not long after I parked my car, but the young one stayed. I kinda smiled at him in that "yes, I see you, but can you please leave me alone" kind of way as I put the note down and then moved across to Ianto's grave. He was still there when I looked around again. I started to feel a little uncomfortable.

A few minutes later, I got a little bored (yes, I admit it, I have a really low attention span when I'm visiting people's graves, even Ianto's) so I looked around to see if I could clear anything up on the other graves (another habit of mine - I'm always straightening flowers or picking things up that were knocked over)... The guy was still there. But worse. He was not sitting between two babies' graves, smoking, and staring at me as I went about what I was doing. I felt so horribly uncomfortable. Usually I'd stick around in there for 15-30 minutes, but this guy was really creeping me out, so I left. As I got close to the gates of the cemetery, still thinking about it, I decided to go and make a compaint to the office. The lady there was so nice, taking my name down and telling me they'd get back to me the next day.

When they did get back to me, apparently this guy had been given a real talking-to, and was willing to apologise face-to-face. I never want to see him again (I feel that violated) so I said it was unnecessary. They also informed me that it's in their policies to move away from the graves if someone comes to visit (hence the two older menwalking away when I pulled up), it's strictly forbidden for them to smoke in the public areas (let alone the children's area), and it will be brought up at their staff meeting next week. I'm quite happy with that result.

The Chosen One

...Well, okay, he's not the only "One" that's been "Chosen" but I'm pretty stoked Ianto's photos are definitely going to be used for the ACOCP's Heartfelt exhibition. I'm still waiting on the rest of the prints (I was waiting to get them before I did this post so I could include a few) but I'm so excited that soon I'll be able to see more photos of my little guy. Photos I've never seen before. And then, at the exhibition, larger-sized photos! Plus I get to see what other people think of him. Yaay!

The location and dates have changed, so if you saw my earlier post about it and planned to come, please make a note that it's changed. Don't want people showing up on the wrong day! It's now from the 21st of July to the 4th of August. Perfect timing, since Scott and I get back from Queensland on the 14th.

I'm trying to find the online flyer but it's eluding me - all I can find is the one with the old dates. So you'll have to remember on your own.