As you should know, I am a part of a fantastic parenting/pregnancy/anything forum (Bellybelly), and as such I tend to vent there a lot. You may also know, if you are a member of said forum and also a regular reader of my blog, that I tend to repost some of what I've said on the forum here on my blog. This is another one, so feel free to tune out if you've read it before... Also, if you disagree with my decision to try to conceive so soon after Ianto's death, please feel free to skip this one.
Although I know that I'm trying to conceive, and it might take a while, I keep catching myself acting as though I'm already pregnant. I'm planning how I would like my next birth to go, I'm stroking my belly in the shower and wondering about what the next baby will look like... and then I'm catching it and have to remind myself that I'm not pregnant yet. I feel like I'm crazy.
Pregnancy is all I think about - I don't even think about Ianto that often anymore! Okay, that's an exaggeration, but a lot of how I think of him has to do with how much I want to give him a little brother or sister. I'm terrified about next time my period comes. I know in my head that it could take a long time, especially with my sporadic periods, but I am going to be devastated when it rears its ugly head. I just know that I'm going to beat myself up and feel like a failure.
I was supposed to be arranging a meeting with a SIDS & Kids counseller sometime last week, but no-one has gotten back to me about that. I know I need help, and I thought I would be getting it. I'm crossing my fingers they'll get back to me soon...
I want something, someone, to distract me from this obsession. No-one in my real life would understand, so I can't quit Bellybelly for a while like a part of me tells me I should. You ladies are my rocks, my support system.
Thoughts, observations? Spelling corrections?
In other news, Ianto has another neighbour, another stillborn little boy. That fills up the outer bit of the part he's in, next the inner ring will be done. I feel so guilty for not visiting him since Mothers Day, but my sleeping patterns have been really messed up lately and I never get the time... But he knows he's in my thoughts one way or another. We've printed some of the photos and stuck them around the lounge room. It's beginning to feel more like home now. I even found his 12 week ultrasound photos!
|This one's what I call the "alien" photo. I swear, he looks like an alien here, it scares me a little. It's actually his face!|
Well, that's it from me for now. And no, I have no idea why the last part of the photo caption is darker than the rest, I've tried changing it but it keeps reverting back to that colour...