May 13, 2010

Signs, and birth/death notices.

I feel as though there were many signs during my pregnancy pointing towards Ianto's death. Of course, in retrospect, everything becomes a sign, an omen, but what the hell, I'll list some of them here...

  • I never got a "Bounty Bag" from the hospital. They'd run out the day of my very first midwife appointment, and although I meant to ask at the next one (and the next, and the next...) I never got around to it.
  • I kept looking up, and telling everyone around me, what would happen "if the baby's born this week"... when I was at week 20, I even said "If the baby were to be born from this week on, and it was dead at birth, it would officially be a stillbirth rather than a miscarriage now."
  • About a week before he died, I got it in my head that I should go and insist on them inducing my labour. I pushed the urge away thinking I was just anxious and impatient to meet him, but what if that was intuition, or something telling me that he was going to die if I stayed pregnant?
I can't think of any more right now (blame the computer for not starting fast enough, I had a huge list earlier!) so I'll move onto my next topic.

I was reading some babylost blogs last night, and came across one called "Tuesday's Hope" - about a stillborn little bubba girl named Hope, written by her mummy Sally. On March 4th, two days before Ianto's funeral, and the day his birth notices went in, Sally wrote about a birth notice she'd seen in the paper. Guess whose it was?


As well as making me shake all over and cry for a solid five minutes (they're getting shorter, these cries...), it made me realise that there's something else I never shared with you. Ianto's birth, death, and funeral notices. There were only four. Here are the other three:

From my parents and brothers.

From Scott's dad and stepmum (the ones who penned the bit I hated in his funeral service)

The funeral notice.

I had another hospital appointment today, to get the results of the bloods and pap smear they did last time. Bloods were all okay. She even went through every single result from Ianto's pathology again with me, because the idiot doctor didn't do it last time, instead choosing to talk to himself. Everything was fine, perfect. By the looks of it, his death was truly "one of those things."

It was the pap smear that was the problem. Apparently there were "low grade changes" - I knew this already from the letter they sent a week or so ago. But yeah, that means that I *probably* have HPV, which if you don't keep an eye on it, can lead to cancer ten or so years down the track. Again, I knew this already (thank you Mr Google!) but I was more concerned about what this meant for my chances of having another baby. It's no problem! I have to have another pap smear done in a year, but I've been given the big "okay" to get pregnant again. Woo hoo!

Another thing that this doctor (really, I think I'm in love with her) was concerned about was the fact that my periods are very irregular. I've brought this up time and time again with all my other doctors, right from the very beginning when they asked me when my last period was so they could work out my due date. They all ignored it. Until today. Finally, someone sat up and paid attention. I'm having an ultrasound a week after my birthday to see if I have polycystic ovaries. Yeah, I kinda guided her to that conclusion because a dear online friend put the idea in my head, but she still said it ws possible! Polcystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) can really cause havoc on my chances of conceiving again, but at least by checking for it, I'll be able to either rule it out or be treated for it.

Although I've cried a lot over the past twenty-four hours, it feels good to be me right now.


  1. I remember you mentioning you wanted to talk to someone about what has happened, have you asked them for help yet?

  2. Oh, poo! I knew there was something else I was going to bring up with the doctor - I wanted to know if there was a counselling service through the hospital! Gaaaah!

    I think I'll gives SANDS a call tomorrow...

  3. What a gorgeous birth notice! The words are so poetic. It's lovely. Thanks for sharing all of those things with us.

    That is great that you found a doctor that listened! If I lived anywhere near you, I would be hitting you up for her name. It's a rare thing. Glad that you are hopefully getting some answers soon.

  4. How amazing that Sally was reading your Birth notice! I remember reading her post about it.. That is one thing I regret, we didn't put in a birth notice or any other notice for that matter.. I wish I did :(

  5. Such a beautiful beautiful birth notice, I very rarely read any paper and yet I distinctly remember reading Ianto's birth notice and thinking to myself how beautiful it was and how perfect he looked. I just cant believe I have come across your blog and linked it and Ianto's notice together. You are simply an amazing person.


Thank you for reading!