I went out last night with a lovely group of ladies, all dolled up (I say dolled up, I mean I lost track of time and showered/dressed/put on mascara and lipstick within ten minutes) and ready to go.
It was nice to be out with people. Sure, everyone there knew my situation, and I had a few moments of "poor me syndrome" when I was looking at the few babies there, but it was better than sitting around doing nothing like usual. I actually smiled a lot, which is rare for me lately. I wore my rainbow dress, the one I got for Ianto's funeral and which kicked off this rainbow connection to everything.
I couldn't help but think a few times that I shouldn't have been out like I was. I should have had my baby in my arms like a few of the others there. Hopefully I will this time next year, and I'll be able to take him or her along to these meet-ups.
I'm sorry for having so many posts that aren't about Ianto at all, or even the topic of babyloss. Yes, the topic consumes my life right now, but what I'm trying to get across is that life goes on. It's sad that it does, but it happens. We go out, we see other children and think "why not us?"... It's difficult to get out how I'm feeling at times, because it always comes out wrong, or like I'm trying to garner sympathy. It's also difficult being upset about other things and expressing that. People tend to think I'm really getting sad about all this, when really I'm just sooking some of the time about completely unimportant things. Which puts me in the awkward position of "do I pretend that they're right, or do I tell them I'm cranky because I [wanted sauce on my hotdog/didn't want to go out bowling/whatever]?"
Yeah, this is a nonsensical post. Don't mind me...