May 28, 2010

My day at the cemetery - Part Two

Eek, I've really gotta stop doing two-parters because I write the first one and forget to do the second! Whoops...

Anyway, here's part two of my tale of wandering around the cemetery...

After the batteries in my camera ran out, I continued walking around (and seeing heaps more headstones I wanted photos of!) until my legs started hurting. I started to walk back towards my car, but I got a little lost on the way and ended up in this little grove, with a stream running through it - this was all still in the middle of the cemetery, by the way - and benches to sit down on. It was a new part that I've never seen before. It was so beautiful and peaceful. If that bit's still around when I "kick the bucket" I think I'd like to be buried there, or somewhere similar.

Eventually I ended up back at Ianto's grave. I didn't feel like getting out of the car just yet, so I sat in there and played with my laptop (it had been in my bag all day). I eventually heard some men talking behind my car, and when I looked I realised they were installing a couple of headstones in "our" bit - one for the little boy next to Ianto, and one for the seven-year-old I've mentioned before. After the men left, I had to go have a look at them. They both made me tear up a little.

After that, I was fussing over Ianto's grave, making sure things looked nice and tidy for him, chattering away to myself for about ten minutes. I looked up when I noticed a heap of people around where I was, and realised there was a funeral going on about 100m away. An adult funeral. I couldn't help but watch as the coffin was taken out of the hearse and placed in the ground.

Then it hit me - Ianto was supposed to be putting me in the ground one day, not the other way around. It didn't help that at that point I was in the exact same kneeling position I was during his funeral, either. It hurt like hell. So I cried, hard sobs that just ripped through me. I tried to keep my voice down (there was a funeral going on!) but everything I wanted to say just poured out. I told Ianto how much I missed him, that I wanted to kiss his precious little face again, how I was trying so hard for a brother or sister for him, but what I really wanted was to hold him again... It just all tumbled out, things I didn't realise I've been thinking...

I'd seen an older woman (late 30's-40s?) a few minutes earlier placing flowers on one of the other babies' graves, but I thought she'd left - until she came up behind me and gave me a massive hug and a handful of tissues. She said told me that she knew what I was going through, she'd lost a son of her own (the one she'd been visiting) and that I wasn't alone, "please don't forget that"... Then she left.

I stayed a little longer at his graveside and waited for the other funeral to leave. I stopped crying quite quickly, thinking about how wonderful the babyloss community is. Here she was, grieving her own son, and she took the time to come over and comfort me. I can't imagine that happening if it were daughters grieving thier parents, or brothers grieving siblings...

I want to leave a card or something for that woman, she was so nice to me in those few minutes. I really needed that hug.

Might as well stick it here, too... The SIDS & Kids counsellor got back to me. She's coming out to talk to me on the 9th of June, the day before my birthday.

PS - It has been brought to my attention that this is my 50th blog. I only just looked at the date, too, and it's been three months since Ianto was born. I could have sworn today was only the 25th! I really need to sleep properly... Wow. Three months ago I was in labour (I'm typing this at 8:39am) and had no idea how I was going to continue with my life... Wow.


  1. i have a section of our cemetary where i would like to be buried someday, too. i know those moments when it feels like it is too much to bear and you just cry and cry. i really love ianto's headstone, it is breathtaking.

  2. Hi Tenielle,
    I'm the mum of Alexander (across from Ianto at the cemetary). My aunty was the lady who gave you the tissues the other day and called to ask me if 'that was ok'. That's the thing isn't it, no one really knows what to say or how to act as there is nothing to say that can make anything better. I'm glad she was there for you though.
    I lost my baby boy when I was 40 weeks and 2 days. "text book pregnancy" as they call it so we didn't expect anything to go wrong.
    No one can understand the loss, the loss of hope, and the loss of life that is taken from you when you lose a child. I think your tribute to Ianto is very beautiful and touching. I have never written on a blog before however after reading your note which was left at the cemetary I thought I'd reach out.
    With heartfelt sympathy,
    Lauren (mum of Alex) x


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