May 26, 2010

Insensitivity sucks

Note: If you are the writer of any of these blogs, and would like me to remove the references to your posts, leave a comment for me and I'll do so ASAP.

I just wanted to apologise (only a little) for being so mad at a friend the other day for comments left on another post here. I'm still angry, but I've been reading a few other babyloss blogs and I'm definitely* not worst-off for unsupportive people.

Take for example, the email Rachel at Three Butterflies and a Monkey got. Someone told her she needs to stop grieving for the triplets that she lost three years ago. They attacked her for giving her husband a clock from the babies with an inscription along the lines of "counting the minutes until we meet again" - and then told her they were only trying to help!

Or the facebook comment Michelle at Missing Juanito suffered when she bemoaned the fact that a lot of her other facebook friends were announcing pregnancies, new babies, etc. She was looking for a little bit of sympathy, maybe some virtual hugs. I do this myself sometimes. But what she got was an attack, saying that they're not out to intentionally hurt someone's feelings, and does she just want people to stop posting their happy news because a few people might be hurt? Of course she didn't. She was having a "poor me" moment, like everyone does - not just babylost mums, but we certainly are entitled to them a little more.

One of the worst, one that makes me sick, happened in February last year to Carly, who does the names in the sand (I posted Ianto's the other day.) She does these in memory of her son Christian. She keeps a personal blog, too, called Love Reign Over Me. Well, as happens, she got a request for a few names from a babylost mother, and she went out, took photos of her kids' names in the sand, and put them on the blog.

I'm not sure how much longer afterwards, but she ended up getting an email from someone else who informed her that this woman (if you can call her that) had duped her. The three children whose names she requested be written in the sand were her living children. This woman had lied about her children being dead just to get a pretty photo, then bragged about it on a parenting forum. Sickening.

Really, there are too many stories I could tell here. One is bad enough, but there seems to be a point where we all come across insensitivity - an attack because someone feels you've grieved too long, an attack because you wanted a little sympathy, someone taking advantage of your kind nature, an old friend saying they don't agree with something that's entirely your own personal choice to make. No matter the severity, it hurts like hell. But not everyone can understand that, and so I apologise for flying off the handle at something that could have been a whole lot worse and less thought out. But I don't apologise for being angry at the "sentiment."

Sorry, and "bounce, schlag, studiver"

* I can't remember who it was recently that pointed out that definitely is easy to spell if you remember that it has the word "finite" in it, but THANK YOU SO MUCH! I've never been able to spell that word properly til now!

EDIT, 16th JUNE 2010: It happened to me! Read what the shitstain said to me, and my response, by clicking here


  1. I couldn't agree more. Some of the stories you hear about people sticking their noses in where they are clearly not wanted are horrendous. And what happened at TWTNITS was disgusting.

    What i don't get is- these are people's blogs, their space, and they can say whatever they like. If you don't like, it, don't read- too easy.

  2. This insensitivity issue is not so easy. It is quite hard for someone, who hasn't lost any very close person, to really relate to the death of one's own child. It is known that some people grieve for an extended period of time, which might not be beneficial to the individual. (It is a whole different thing who could actually know when the grieving is starting to be prolonged.) So, it is quite understandable some people try to make a such individual realize that. They might not take the best possible measures, unfortunately. A good intention is not always enough. I could easily agree with such ideas that there is a time to grieve, but then after that, it should be left in the past. I do realize it is far easier said than done.

    I must also note that it seems to me that in the western world death has become something very overwhelming and maybe even unnatural, whereas in some other parts of the world people seem to have a different attitude, which allows them to handle things in an easier way.

    When it comes to the example of this Michelle's friends posting their baby news on Facebook, that shows insensitivity from Michelle's side as well. How she felt about the posts was understandable, but her actions might have not taken the best possible path. She might have not realized the others might have felt judged or attacked, something they did not deserve. So it is quite hard to justify to expect others to be sensitive while oneself is demonstrating insensitivity, even if it seems to be very common in many different situations.


Thank you for reading!