April 19, 2010

Tiny things, vent included

I never saw his bottom. My own son, and I never saw his bottom. I hardly saw anything that was covered by his nappy, but I still saw all that. I love babies' bottoms, why didn't I sneak a look? It's such a small thing, but I really wish I'd looked at every part of him. I half wish I could have seen his eyes, but at the same time I'm glad I didn't. How much harder would it have been? No, I'm glad I didn't. I can imagine what they'd have looked like anyway.

I also have a lot of anger towards my mum, and everyone who would have helped her take away all the baby things from her house. I'm grateful that they thought they were doing the right thing, but my heart just screams "how dare she?" How dare she presume I wanted all those things gone? It just made it harder for me, coming home, because it was another loss. Having an ultrasound and expecting a heartbeat, then being surprised by there being none. Walking into a house where there was baby stuff everywhere, then seeing everything's been hidden away. It's the same. There's something just off about it all.

Another thing. I know we're trying again, but it doesn't help being told that we can do it. I don't want to hear empty words about how we should stay positive, or how someone you know was able to conceive after their stillbirth. It might work for some people, but I don't want to be told everything will be okay. It doesn't sit right with me. On the other hand, I don't want people to be silent around me. Ohh this is just too hard to deal with. I just want everything to actually be okay. Not to be told it's okay.

I contemplated ending everything the other day. I'm having similar days every now and then, but Friday was the worst since the day I wanted to dig Ianto's grave up. I was just irritable all day, and it just kept getting worse. Tiny things were annoying me, and it built to a head until I was in a ball sobbing in the bathroom, wondering how I would do myself in. I'll be honest, the only thing that stopped me was that I couldn't figure out how I would do it without leaving a damaged corpse. I wanted to close my eyes and just have my heart stop, like Ianto.

But don't worry. Seriously, the rest of the weekend I've been fine (aside from being angry that everyone lets me sleep in, making me miss things I planned to do.) We held a dinner party on Friday night, it was great being able to have friends over. Sure, I crumbled into my depression again once we got back home after dropping people off at home, but the actual dinner party was fantastic. Must do that again sometime soon. We also met Adam Hills again on Saturday, and saw another Melbourne Comedy Festival show - Scott ended up going home with a balloon hat on! Fun times.


  1. Huge hugs to you Teni. I don't have any advice but wanted to offer my support and let you know that I am thinking about you.

  2. Oh I really feel for you honey. I know that feeling of wanting to die well.. There is a difference in contemplating suicide and wanting to die. I think every bereaved Mummy goes through it.. I still pray every night before I go to sleep that I simply wont wake up.. I hope you have a lot of support around you, because it is such an awful feeling. Just know you are not alone.. (((Hugs)))


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