It's Ianto's "due date" today. By now, if we hadn't lost him, I would be holding a new pink wiggling bubba. (Before anyone suggests he could have gone post-dates, I don't think so. I have a family history of pre-date babies) But no. Instead I'll be releasing a bunch of balloons at the cemetery and trying not to interfere with another baby's funeral.
I love my son with every part of myself. This is one of many anniversaries I'll have to struggle through, but feeling this love so strongly will keep me going. Sure, it's painful knowing it's not going into taking care of him, but it's there holding me up through each day. Hopefully, this philosophy will resonate with other mums (and dads, can't forget them!) that have lost bubbas. I've been getting so many fb messages from people who read my blog, telling me that it's happened to them or someone they know, and that they're drawing strength from me. I don't know how, I'm just being me. I kick, I scream, I cry. I just happen to vent online most of the time, because it's where I feel most like myself. For all the crap I say here, I am actually painfully shy and would hardly have the guts to say all this out loud without having to read it out.
I do feel stronger, going through this. Not all the time, of course I have my weak moments/days, but I feel that Ianto's death will help me be a better mum to any future kids I have. Who knows, I might even think of a way to help other mums. Maybe as a counsellor, a photographer... Or something no-one's thought of yet? I'm open for any ideas. If you're a "still-parent" and reading my blog, maybe you could help me with ideas! What have you found there is a distinct lack of in terms of support?
Edit: It's two minutes after I posted this blog. I'd been listening to music in the background. I usually have it on shuffle, but I didn't this time and didn't realise. What was the first song it shuffled to after I realised and set it straight? "Smallest Wingless." The song we played in the middle of Ianto's funeral.