March 12, 2010

What if...?

I keep having horrible thoughts, a lot of "what ifs" running through my mind about Ianto's death. I'll get some of them out here. They pretty much all run into each other. I guess I read too many "miracle stories" about babies being brought back to life, or not being dead when they were assumed to be...
  • What if Ianto's heart was just beating really slow and they just weren't looking for long enough to see it? Mums are built to regulate their babies' bodies, and I know my heartbeat can be quite slow at times, maybe his was the same?
  • What if he was alive when he was born and just wasn't breathing, but because no-one checked, he died?
  • What if, rather than dying inside me, he died in my arms and I didn't even know?
  • What if by placing him under my shirt rather than on top, he could have been saved?
Oh, damn it, I'm going to have to leave it at that because I'm upsetting myself thinking of all the doctors' appointments where Scott and I smiled at each other and said the baby was strong because "her" heartbeat was strong... I really hate my mind at times...

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