March 06, 2010

Tears and rainbows

Today was Ianto's funeral. It's hard for me to write what I'm feeling, because it still feels like I'm dreaming. Did that just really happen? Is it true I'll never see my boy again?

When I woke up, the sun was shining. It was such a beautiful morning! I can't go into much detail about the actual funeral, because it's really not coming to me as easily as the memories of his birth did... I have a few little thoughts though...
  • The coffin was just so tiny! Even though I knew it would be small, for some reason my head had conjured up a child-size coffin - so seeing it so - well, tiny - really hit me hard. It seemed so cramped in there for him...
  • The funeral director, Paul, and the celebrant, Robyn, were fantastic.
  • We were scared to begin with that we wouldn't be able to hold him again, because he was already wrapped up in the coffin and looking so peaceful (though his mouth was open, which I didn't like) but Paul said we could take him out, rearrange his positioning, etc. Of course we did that as soon as we could!
  • I'm so happy we found the ACOCP to take professional photos of Ianto - Jessie was so fantastic, and we've already seen a few of the photos, they're amazing.
  • I can't believe I managed to get through the poem I read out - "All those Months" - I found it while I was still in labour, and it was so perfect for our situation. The songs we played were perfect too, none more than "Smallest, Wingless" which was played in the middle of the service.
  • Putting the lid on the coffin was so hard to do. I tried to capture every last moment of looking at Ianto's face.
After the funeral, we went to the cemetery to bury our little boy. We were supposed to be doing a balloon release, but there was a mix-up with who was organising them so it didn't happen. That's okay, I think we'll do it for his due date. I couldn't stop staring at the coffin. I don't think I stopped looking at it until I had to walk away.

Scott and I went back to mum & dad's place while a lot of other people went to the wake at uncle W and auntie M's place. We had about an hour alone together, collecting our thoughts and just talking about what had just happened... Neither of us had tears left to cry though, so it was more exhaustion than anything else.

When we went to the wake, we spent a while inside because we couldn't face being near people again all at once - we just said hi to everyone that came inside. Then the food was ready and we had no choice (haha) so we went and filled our plates. A lot of people didn't realise we were even coming at all, so that was okay. Just after I sat down and started eating, the heavens opened up and it started bucketing down (after such a beautiful morning!) so everyone moved inside. After that we hardly saw anyone because the smokers (the majority) went into the garage and my desire to breathe was stronger than my desire to be near people.

Finally, we left, taking my brother Brent with us. As we were walking out, I turned to say something to Scott, and my breath was taken away - in the sky, as clear and bright as anything, was the perfect rainbow. A double rainbow. I'd never seen one so strongly coloured. I burst into tears, knowing it was Ianto smiling down on me and telling me everything would be alright. It was so beautiful, just like him, and faded much too quickly. Just like him. I know every time I see a rainbow from now on, it's my perfect little boy smiling at me. I think we may put a rainbow on his headstone when we get around to it...


  1. No wonder you love rainbows (hugs)
    Ianto is a gorgeous boy I am so sorry you had to say goodbye on Earth.

  2. Wow, reading this post back again, I'm starting to get teary at the memory of seeing that rainbow...


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