March 22, 2010

I need to be pregnant again

Yesterday was a bad day for me. It hit me really hard that I'm not going to be holding a baby in a few weeks time. I mean, I've known that for a few weeks, obviously, but there's still some strange part of me in denial about the whole thing.

Anyway, yesterday was a bad day. I cried most of the day, didn't eat or drink anything, then didn't sleep. In my weaker moments, I had terrible thoughts such as "I should go to the cemetery and tell them to dig the coffin up so I can take Ianto home." Like I said, terrible thoughts. It's still in the back of my mind, to be honest.

When I tried to sleep, I started crying really hard and woke up Scott. He consoled me for a little while, then drifted off to sleep again until his alarm went off for him to work. That set me off even more. I was utterly hysterical with crying, telling him not to leave me. I didn't want to be alone. I was terrified I might give in and hurt myself. Thankfully I didn't, all the crying had knocked me out and somehow I fell asleep sitting up. I woke up in a much better mood.

To the point of this post!

I want to have another baby as soon as possible. No, not even "want," I need to be pregnant again. I need to know Ianto being conceived wasn't just a one-off occurrence, that he was my one chance at being a mum. I need to hold a screaming, warm baby in my arms and think "you're mine." I need to throw birthday parties, to watch my baby grow up. I need to do all the things I won't be able to do with Ianto. I need to have a completely positive birth experience, where between contractions I'm not thinking "my baby is dead, I don't want a dead baby, I don't think I can love it..."

I seriously have the feeling that I can't be properly happy until I have another baby. I can fake being happy. I can laugh at things, smile, etc., but real happiness? Nope.

6 comments:

  1. Oh Teni, I just want to give you a huge hug xxxx

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  2. You poor love the pain is to much . but we are hear for you . we are going through this pain too as we have lost a loved one to you are not alone xx

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  3. Tenielle when my baby brother died, my step mum kept running away and slept on his grave every night. 12 months later, she gave birth to my little sister. She said that, having another chlid never replaced scott, but it helped with the healing. And she never loved my little sister any less because of it. If thats what you want to do then do it. do not let anyone tell you its too soon or anything. you do need to be a mum. you are. your just waiting for your child.

    angie btw i didnt log in lol

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  4. After we lost our baby boy Phoenix, the doctors told me that it was just "bad luck". There was no reason for him to have been taken out of the warmth of his mummies tummy too soon.
    I also found that it was more than wanting to get pregnant, it was a Need.
    I needed to share the love I had, to spend the rest of my life loving the child we created.
    You never forget or stop loving the child you lost. If anything the love you have will grow stronger and remembering them wont hurt as much. They are up there watching down on us!

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  5. Burying this all the way back here in an old post...

    I'm pregnant again ;)

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  6. It's only been two weeks for me....and I feel this way right now. I need to be pregnant, and hold my baby, and know that I can be a mother. I was so ready to be a mother...

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Thank you for reading!