Anyway, yesterday was a bad day. I cried most of the day, didn't eat or drink anything, then didn't sleep. In my weaker moments, I had terrible thoughts such as "I should go to the cemetery and tell them to dig the coffin up so I can take Ianto home." Like I said, terrible thoughts. It's still in the back of my mind, to be honest.
When I tried to sleep, I started crying really hard and woke up Scott. He consoled me for a little while, then drifted off to sleep again until his alarm went off for him to work. That set me off even more. I was utterly hysterical with crying, telling him not to leave me. I didn't want to be alone. I was terrified I might give in and hurt myself. Thankfully I didn't, all the crying had knocked me out and somehow I fell asleep sitting up. I woke up in a much better mood.
To the point of this post!
I want to have another baby as soon as possible. No, not even "want," I need to be pregnant again. I need to know Ianto being conceived wasn't just a one-off occurrence, that he was my one chance at being a mum. I need to hold a screaming, warm baby in my arms and think "you're mine." I need to throw birthday parties, to watch my baby grow up. I need to do all the things I won't be able to do with Ianto. I need to have a completely positive birth experience, where between contractions I'm not thinking "my baby is dead, I don't want a dead baby, I don't think I can love it..."
I seriously have the feeling that I can't be properly happy until I have another baby. I can fake being happy. I can laugh at things, smile, etc., but real happiness? Nope.