March 14, 2010

How it's been from the father's side...

Well, here's my first one....

While it's been hard for me, it's been harder for Tenielle. I mean she did have the privilege to carry him for those 32 weeks.

For those who don't know what kind of person I am... I'm the person that tends to leave things unsaid because i let others talk more, or because they're too hard to say. I'm the guy that stands in the corner, and being there is enough for people to know how much I care.

Having said that, these past few weeks have been very hard! I've mostly left all the crying and raw sad emotions come from Tenielle, whilst I've kept myself distracted from it by doing everything else that needed doing, like telling our landlords where to shove their house.

I returned to work, an almost full work week, on the Monday (just 2 very short days after the funeral). It seemed like everything was going well, I was even getting along with people I didn't like because (and their exact words were) "You've got balls to be able to do what you have done". I spoke to my bosses and told them that even though it still hurts, I am better at keeping busy and not letting the emotion of it overwhelm me.

On Friday morning at about 8 am, not enough sleep and too much thought finally broke me down. I was snapping at staff everywhere for little things that didn't really matter (eg the arrangement of the bakery products in the display). I went back to them after distracting myself from my anger for about 15 minutes and told them that it wasn't what they were or weren't doing, it was that I rushed myself back to work thinking that it would help me. They were understanding and said that they actually expected it sooner once they found I had returned to work on Monday. I set about just focusing on anything i could get done and just wished that 2 pm could come and i could sit in the car for a few minutes to gain myself properly before coming back to the place we now call home (Tenielle's parents place).

The hardest thing for me in regards to Ianto, has been placing the lid on his coffin, that tiny coffin that looked like it could have been part of a coffin styled Tupperware set, and seeing my sister after she flew down from Brisbane to be here for us on behalf of herself, mum and Bob. Dani had been trying for ages to have children, but nothing, the sight of her face lighting up when we told her she would be an Auntie was the best. When she walked into the funeral place and gave me a hug while I was welcoming everyone in, we both broke down and cried into each others shoulders!

We've since had help both emotionally and financially from family members and even the government, but... the hurt is always there. Even just earlier, when i was reading over what Tenielle had written here for the first time, i cried. Typing this I've teared up several times, but that's good... To me that means there's a bit more of me still longing to get those emotions out into the world.

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