March 04, 2010

Funeral plans

One of the hardest things in the world has to be planning your child's funeral. Especially with something as unexpected as this. How do I tell people about a life that only he and I shared? Yes, others watched my belly grow, some felt him kick from the outside, but I felt every kick he made. I nourished him, he only knew me. Didn't he?

There are so many things involved in planning a funeral. Paperwork to be signed, meetings about his life... I got angry at the celebrant because she didn't ask about his life outside of me. Yes, he wasn't born alive, but he was born. I held him. Scott held him. He was loved. He was soft, that's my lasting memory. His soft gentle skin.

Every song I listen to now is tainted - every line I try to fit into my life, and if it doesn't fit, it just irritates. I can't listen to "happy" music right now, I only feel like listening to songs of loss and despair. I've found a song to play at Ianto's funeral - "Smallest Wingless" - it's absolutely perfect. It's been so hard to find songs of loss that don't reference god in some way. What about those of us who have no faith in a deity? I do believe that there is an afterlife, but god? No. I believe that Ianto is watching me right now, he's here with me. At the same time, I feel that he's in some way still with his body. Why else would leaving him in the hospital have hurt so much?

I half don't want Saturday to come, because it means I'll never get to see my son face-to-face again. The other half can't wait to see him, stroke his tiny little face again.

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